Parenting Under Pressure
Kim Hayes
Shaw Air Force Base SC USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 17 No. 3 May-June 2000 p. 82-84
Every parent is influenced
by many factors, including cultural practices, family traditions, religious
beliefs, and medical information or misinformation. I'd like to share
my story about how my religious beliefs impacted my parenting.
When my husband, Will, and
I were expecting our first child eight years ago, other parents at our
church were quick to share the philosophies of Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo.
This minister and his registered nurse wife claimed to have extrapolated
their ideas on infant care from the Bible. Their mission is to teach
others how to parent "God's way." That was exactly what I wanted to
do. In addition, there was peer pressure in our church to follow this
philosophy. Little Johnny was praised by the pastor because he slept
through the night from the day he came home from the hospital and never
cried in the nursery.
I completed the book and
tape series, Preparation for Parenting, a few weeks before my
due date. The program promised bright, happy, confident, obedient children.
The main goal was to teach the baby who is boss by sticking to a schedule
and not giving in to his whims. This was accomplished by moving the
baby through daily cycles of sleeping alone, eating, and playing alone.
The Ezzos explained that while animals act according to instinct, humans
should act according to God's commands. They quoted passages from the
Bible that they felt supported their ideas to convince new parents not
to rely on their loving instincts. I became convinced that since I could
trust neither my instincts nor my heart, I must follow this plan. I
felt that I loved my child enough to do what was best for him regardless
of how I felt at the moment.
Adam finally arrived after
a long medicated birth. Early separation and nipple confusion were powerful
obstacles to breastfeeding. As I struggled to persevere with breastfeeding
through these problems, I was hindered by my impression that to give
my child the best I must adhere to this plan. I followed the rule to
limit the length and frequency of nursing sessions. As breastfeeding
became more painful and Adam lost more weight, I became confused. Things
were not working according to the plan. My heart told me to hold and
nurse Adam for what I had been taught was much too long a time. I wondered,
"Is he hungry?" I had serious self-doubt. I thought the "biblical" plan
I had learned could not be wrong, so I must be wrong. Maybe something
was wrong with my milk. Adam cried so much he lost his voice. Was my
commitment to tough love really best for Adam? I had to do something
different.
By six weeks, my doctor confirmed
my suspicion. Adam, a projectile vomiter, was "allergic" to my milk.
The doctor prescribed a soy formula. Giving Adam a bottle devastated
me. My "preparation for parenting" made me feel I had failed the first
important step of being a good mother. Everyone in the Bible was breastfed.
I felt we had taken a serious deviation from the plan.
I soon noticed that all the
babies more than six months old at our church took bottles too. A friend
consoled me, saying that she had never been able to nurse past three
months. She thought Adam was an exception to the "no holding" rule.
He obviously had colic and needed to be consoled. She had found a front
pack helpful with her colicky baby. This advice from an experienced
mother gave me permission to adapt the program to my baby without fear
of being ostracized from other members of my church. I was reassured
that there could be more than one "Christian" way to parent my baby.
My mind opened to the idea
that there were alternatives. Using the Bible as a guide, I searched
for help in my struggle. I focused on respecting Adam. I practiced the
Golden Rule, treating him the way I would want to be treated. Gradually
I started trusting my heart.
While I was pregnant with
our next son, Phillip, I prepared in a totally different way. I found
an accepting La Leche League Leader who helped me to work through my
thoughts about breastfeeding and parenting. I read THE WOMANLY ART OF
BREASTFEEDING and other books from the Group's Library. When I attended
La Leche League meetings, I met a different peer group - one that encouraged
me to do what I felt was best for my child without pressure. I learned
about mothering through breastfeeding Phillip. It was such a healing
experience. I was able to enjoy my baby without guilt. The struggle
was replaced with peace.
I have since learned that
the parenting curriculum that gave me so much trouble has many followers
and has even been adapted to secular audiences. As my family has moved
with my husband's military service, we have encountered it in each new
community. Many churches and other groups promote its use to their membership.
Parents perceive this curriculum as commandments from God. I have observed
that parents following this philosophy are often subject to peer pressure
that this is the only correct way to parent.
The gentle encouragement
I received to enjoy and tenderly love my baby was the key to helping
me deal with my confusion, disappointment, and feelings of failure.
I hope my story helps others who wonder if this kind of parenting philosophy
is for them.
Adapted from an article
that originally appeared in the March 1999 issue of Palmetto Palette,
LLL of South Carolina's Area Leaders' Letter.
Last updated Friday, October 13, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:23 UTC 2007.
