A Parent's Way to the Heart
Inbal Kashtan
Oakland CA USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 20 No. 3, May-June 2003, p. 104
I vividly remember
the first time I got really mad at my son. He was about two years old,
and I had just asked him not to turn on the computer. At that moment,
keeping the computer off seemed very important to me. My son gazed at
me with an unfamiliar look in his eyes. I imagined he was thinking to
himself that he really wanted to stop, as I had asked, yet he seemed
compelled to move forward anyway. While still looking at me, his little
body catapulted itself toward the computer, his fingers reaching out
to turn it on. To my utter astonishment, my body, too, lunged forward,
my arms circled him as I pulled him away from the now buzzing computer,
and I heard myself yelling, "No!"
I was grateful
to regain my equilibrium in just a moment as I noticed that this was
not how I wanted to hold my child or speak to him. Immediately, I expressed
my sadness at having grabbed him and my desire to touch him only gently.
What began as a "power struggle" and had threatened to turn
into a full-fledged, mutual "tantrum," turned instead into
a moment of sweet connection as we snuggled on the floor, talking about
what led him to turn on the computer, and what led me to try to hold
him back.
I have certainly
gotten angry in the years since that incident, but I am grateful to
know a process I can almost always rely on either to prevent me from
venting my anger at my child or to help us reconnect if we have acted
in ways that we didn't like. This process, nonviolent communication,
focuses on understanding and meeting people's core human needs.
Two of the toughest
challenges most parents talk with me about have to do with anger-their
own and their children's-and with lack of cooperation. In using and
teaching nonviolent communication (NVC), I have found that there is
no greater antidote to anger, nor a quicker resolution to power struggles,
than connecting with both my child's and my own deeper needs and trying
to meet them.
In the moment
after my son turned on the computer, my NVC training jump-started my
heart and helped refocus my attention: the intense attachment I had
felt to keeping the computer shut off paled in comparison to how much
I want to treat my son gently! This is what matters to me: I want to
nurture trust between my son and me. I want to show him how I'd like
human beings to act toward one another. I want to show him that people
can deal with their anger without expressing it in violence. I also
want to live according to the values I espouse. How can I ask him to
refrain from hitting, biting, pinching, pushing, or pulling when he
is angry if what I demonstrate for him is the adult version of those
behaviors when I am angry? My desire to contribute to my son in these
ways is a powerful motivation to recognize my anger for what it is-an
intense emotion that arises in me when my needs are not met. Yet, acting
from anger is rarely an effective way to get those needs met. With NVC,
instead of succumbing to anger, I can communicate with myself and my
son about the heart of the matter at hand: our feelings and needs. Both
of us are usually satisfied with the outcome and leave the dialogue
with more trust and connection.
Developed by
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and influenced by principles of nonviolence as
taught by Gandhi and Martin Luther King, NVC is a path of compassion
in action. Key principles of NVC include the idea that everyone's core
needs are the same, and everyone's needs matter; that there is no conflict
between human needs, just between the strategies we employ to meet our
needs; that finding solutions that truly work for everyone usually comes
after building connection and understanding; and that human beings contribute
to one another more consistently and joyfully when they experience heart
connection and choice rather than coercion.
On a practical
level, NVC offers a set of communication tools that enhance self-connection
and connection with others-specific language that helps us understand
and empathize with others' pain and to express our own. We express observations
instead of judgments; feelings instead of interpretations; needs instead
of strategies; and concrete requests instead of vague wishes or demands.
People around the world have been using these principles and tools to
deepen connection and trust in personal relationships and to resolve
disputes and conflicts between groups.
Focusing on
feelings and needs and on making requests instead of demands can seem
daunting at first. Yet NVC, like any new language, can be learned and
incorporated into everyday life. Connecting deeply with our own and
our babies' feelings and needs gives us a wonderful head start, but
NVC can be introduced any time, and family dynamics can be transformed-sometimes
slowly, other times very quickly.
During one of my recent parenting
workshops, a mother expressed deep anguish over the state of her relationship
with her teenage son. A key point of contention between them was her
need for support in taking care of the household chores. After spending
an evening and a morning in the training, she went home for lunch completely
confident that her son would still be in bed, having not done his chores.
When she found him in bed, however, in place of her usual reproach and
demand she expressed her feelings, needs, and a request. Her son did
the chores she requested without any argument. After a few exchanges,
her son asked, "Mom, why are you talking to me this way?"
She replied that she was in a communication workshop and had just learned
new skills. He replied, "Well, keep it up, it's working!"
Practicing NVC as a parent
has helped me create a family life that is emotionally honest and closely
connected. My son and I are each other's teachers, learning together
to navigate the complex world of relationships. I'm hopeful that the
peace we're working on creating in our home is part of the path to making
peace more broadly-in our wider families, schools, work places, and
in the world.
Last updated Tuesday, October 24, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:11 UTC 2007.
