Love, Limits, and Tandem Nursing
Hilary Flower
St. Petersburg FL USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 20 No. 3, May-June 2003, p. 86
Mothers who breastfeed sometimes
get pregnant, especially when their nurslings become toddlers. When
that happens, each mother must make a decision about whether or not
to continue breastfeeding, based on her health and her child's and her
own needs. The decision to breastfeed two children after the new baby
is born-which is called tandem nursing-is also a personal one. La Leche
League International's newest book by Hilary Flower, Adventures in
Tandem Nursing: Breastfeeding during Pregnancy and Beyond, focuses
on issues that are unique to mothers who are tandem nursing. The following
is an excerpt.
If pregnancy hormones don't
disrupt breastfeeding too much, breastfeeding can be a special way for
you and your older child to stay connected while you contemplate the
changes to come.
I probably felt more
warm and fuzzy about nursing my "baby" because he would
soon be the second priority, so I cherished the time I had with him
and tried to use it wisely by holding him even more. -Mary B., Ohio
Similarly, breastfeeding
your toddler alongside your newborn can be a special way for you to
stay connected with your older child during this exciting-and somewhat
disorienting-time in your family life.
But if your breastfeeding
relationship comes under strain for whatever reason, adjustments may
be necessary. Be aware of some red flags that may indicate your breastfeeding
relationship needs your help:
- You feel yourself withdrawing from your nursing child.
- You hear an irritated tone in your voice when you say "Yes."
- You feel you have no choice when it comes to nursing.
- You are prone to snapping at your child while breastfeeding.
- You are getting exasperated enough to consider weaning on the spot.
If you see these signs, re-visit
your decision about weaning or continuing to nurse. If the answer is
weaning, it will be a good decision for both of you. If the answer is
that continued nursing is definitely worth it, you may find that your
attitude becomes more positive.
My nipples were incredibly sore, and I had very strong urges to push
my son away. I was prepared to continue nursing Tommy, but I found myself
being very short with him and not doing a good job of hiding my aversion
to nursing him.
One day my husband witnessed
me struggling to nurse Tommy, and told me that if I couldn't be nice
to Tommy, I shouldn't nurse him at all. I thought that was the meanest
thing he could possibly say to me, but he was right! I realized that
I just needed to make a decision to nurse or not to nurse. Anything
else was hurting us both.
I decided that our nursing
relationship had been so wonderful that I did not want it to end on
such a negative note. I would nurse him as long as he needed. Firming
up this decision made it easier to keep our nursing sessions positive.
The good news was that he was beginning to accept some limits from
me. -Sanya D., Georgia
A renewed conviction that
continued nursing is for the best, combined with a little self-care,
may go a long way toward soothing a frazzled soul and body. Setting
limits that take your own feelings into account is a big part of self-care,
and self-care is the key to enjoying mothering!
Limits can help in other
ways as well. Breastfeeding is an exchange between two hearts. A gentle
"no" when nursing feels wrong creates the possibility of a
clear "yes" for a session when you are truly up for it. Taking
your own feelings seriously and allowing yourself to freely choose when
to offer breastfeeding can maintain the openness and joy of breastfeeding
for both you and your nursling.
Remember that more is not
always better. Your child needs you to honor your bottom-line limits.
If nursing is for comfort, the emotional quality of the exchange is
of great importance. It is hard to disappoint your child, especially
during a difficult family transition. But as the mother you understand
something that your child does not-you are protecting your child from
the mixed messages and resentment that can build up when you say "yes"
but really mean "no." In this way, loving limits serve your
child as much as you, even when your distress is the initial catalyst.
An increase of maternal voice
in the breastfeeding relationship can evolve gradually and naturally.
It is important to show your child that you take care of yourself and
that your needs are important, too. This can be a meaningful way for
a child to begin to learn to respect the needs of others. One mother
tandem nursing her older daughter said:
I am very careful not
to lose myself in this process, because then what would I be teaching
her? I cannot be a good mother if I'm resenting her all the time.
So as gently as I can, I do let her know when I need space. We try
to compromise how "close" we are during those times. For
instance, if she wants to nurse but I just can't handle it right then,
we'll sit closely and quietly for a little bit. Or we talk about how
sometimes she feels grumpy and wants to be alone, and so do I.-Bianca
K., Ohio
Necessary boundaries around
nursing can provide a rich learning experience for your child. You can
support your child in coming to terms with a reality that is not exactly
as he wishes but one that is still "safe." After all, there
is no limit on your love.
Once you begin experimenting, you will find a limit that works best
for you and your child, even if it's not ideal for either of you. Two-way
compassion is the key. Ask yourself what level will allow you to:
- Genuinely enjoy nursing your child?
- Feel glad you're still nursing?
- Open your heart most fully to your child?
When you consider your child's desire to continue nursing, what level
of nursing can you live with? What is going on for your child emotionally
right now? Is this a relatively tranquil and settled time for your child,
or will there soon be a better time to institute changes? If you feel
your child is mature enough, engage him or her in problem solving this
with you. Your child may surprise you with a generous offer or an innovative
solution. Giving your child some voice in the nature, the level, or
the pattern of reductions can help him feel empowered and valued in
his relationship with you. Age-appropriate limits allow the breastfeeding
relationship to remain workable for both parties.
Considering and validating
children's feelings does not always mean that they should do everything
their own way. In my case, setting some limits saved the nursing relationship
with my older child when we were tandem nursing. If I had not limited
him, I probably would have weaned him. It does not have to be an all
or nothing situation. As it was, by limiting his nursings to times that
I could deal with, we were able to enjoy it more, and our nursing relationship
lasted much longer.
Generous but realistic boundaries
are a balance between respecting your own needs and those of your child,
on behalf of your fundamental relationship.
Recently, I've talked
with Sarah, my three-year-old, about preferring to nurse only one
of them at a time. I've explained that this feels better for me. I've
explained to Sarah that I want to continue to nurse her as long as
she needs it. In order to do this, we need to make sure that both
of our bodies feel good about it. This means nursing for a shorter
time (to avoid the ring of teeth marks around my nipples) with lots
of snuggling or doing other things that we enjoy together. Sometimes
this also means waiting until seven-month-old Malcolm is happy playing
while we nurse. I feel that Sarah is learning healthy boundaries about
our bodies and that she is capable of choosing to feel relaxed and
happy. She is also learning that she is able to do this by means other
than nursing.-Wendy M., Ontario, Canada
Good communication is
essential. Many mothers find a low-key but direct way to let the child
in on what's happening for them.
I think my nurslings understand my feelings in an intuitive way, and
they are more cooperative when I am honest, but clear and firm. -Cheri
S., Minnesota
Many mothers take great pains
to keep the baby and their pregnancy out of their explanations, not
wanting the child to blame the problem on the baby. Some explain that
it has to do with the pregnancy. And similarly, many mothers take extra
care to help the toddler know it wasn't his fault, either. Pregnant
mothers often say, "Mama's nee-nee's are sore, tired, or hurting,"
or "Too ouchy, nursey all done." You may even put Band-Aids
on your breasts and explain that you have "owies."
I tried very hard not
to tell Jake that he hurt me, or that nursing hurt me, rather that
certain actions hurt. I didn't want Jake to be afraid of nursing.
I would tell him that Mommy wasn't in the mood to nurse, and we could
nurse again in a little while. Or that he could nurse only if he was
very still, and didn't wriggle or kick, because being wriggly hurt
Mommy's tummy.-Sarah G., Texas
Meanwhile, the tandem nursling's
mother may be faced with the question, "Why does the baby get to
nurse all the time but not me?" Such a question can really tug
at your heart, since you want to provide your child every possible reassurance
that he or she has not been displaced from your heart. And a mother
can't help but worry that saying "no" will fuel resentment
of the baby or feelings of rejection. And yet, communicating openly
and non-defensively with your toddler around the "double standard"
of nursing your newborn can be a rich opportunity for you to process
the shifting realities of your relationship with the older child. Mothers
may say:
- "Newborn babies can only eat 'nursie,' and they need it in order to grow."
- "Big boys and girls
get to eat special foods, such as apricots and toast, that babies
can't eat because they don't have teeth. In fact, babies aren't allowed
to eat things like that at all!"
- "You used to nurse all the time when you were a baby, too."
- "Someday the baby will be able to eat other foods and will be nursing less."
Your child may benefit from
the opportunity to understand better what is happening-chances are he
has noticed that something was different. The main thing your child
probably wants to know is that it he is not at fault. Children do not
want to cause their mothers' pain.
My two-year-old did
not know about nausea, so I told her I was sore, which she understood.
At first, she became distraught when I told her I was too sore to
allow her to nurse, so I "gave in." I then realized why
she was distraught-she thought it was her fault that I was sore. I
explained to her that I was sick and that my breasts were sick and
would get better if she did not nurse. From then on, she was contented
to cuddle with me instead of nursing, and to fall asleep like that.
She would ask to go on the breast just once in the evening, but she
would simply put her mouth around each nipple once for a few seconds.
She simply needed to know that I would not stop her.-A.E., Scotland
Remember to acknowledge and
praise your child when he does find a way to take your needs into account.
Short and sweet can be easier
to manage when nursing is painful or hard to juggle. Some pregnant and
tandem nursing mothers have reduced the duration of feeds by saying
to their child:
- "We'll nurse for a count of 10. Shall we count butterflies or dinosaurs?"
- "You may nurse for the length of the ABC song."
- "You can nurse for a few minutes and then you may have some water in this special cup."
- "You can nurse while I count to 10-who will finish first, me or you?"
- "I am turning over the egg timer, and when the sands are all down, we're done for now."
- "Just a few more sips."
Give your child choices whenever
possible, and don't be surprised if your toddler finds unexpected ways
to participate in reductions once he gets the idea. One toddler instituted
"nursie for second," in which she momentarily put her little
mouth to the breast.
Saying, "Yes, but later"
can be a gentle way to extend the interval between nursing sessions,
and particularly helpful to the younger child for whom the word "no"
may sound like "never." As you reduce the number of sessions,
you and your nursling may find that working toward a set policy works
well.
Gradually, we reduced
nursing times to something Brennan could say and understand. Once
in the morning, once at naptime, once at bedtime. It became our little
song. If only I could count the times one of us recited this to the
other! -Crystal O., South Carolina
With experimentation and
some patience on both sides, mothers and children can often keep the
breastfeeding relationship moving in a direction that is helpful for
the larger mother-child relationship.
Last updated Tuesday, October 24, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:41 UTC 2007.
