Weaning and Mothers' Feelings
Diane Bengson
Bellbrook, Ohio, USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 15 No. 6, November-December 1998, pp, 164-67
We provide articles
from our publications from previous years for reference for our Leaders and
members. Readers are cautioned to remember that research and medical information
change over time
Weaning is an emotional topic
for everyone concerned—mother, baby, father, and those closest to
them. Some mothers feel very sad about the idea of weaning, while others
may feel very strongly about wanting to wean. A mother may desire to
wean yet still feel uneasy about it. Once a mother has begun to encourage
weaning, she may feel relieved, sad, frustrated, or exhausted. Acknowledging
these mixed feelings can help a mother know how to handle them.
If you don't know anyone
who is nursing a child as old as yours, it's common to wonder if you're
doing the right thing. Worries such as "He'll never wean"
or "I'm making her too dependent" or "She'll turn out
odd for having nursed so long" can wake a mother up in the middle
of the night in a cold sweat. Self-doubt is made more intense by criticism
from others, especially if they voice the fears a mother has thought
about but not said aloud. These anxieties grow larger the longer they
are unspoken. When a mother can put her doubts to rest and parent confidently,
life becomes easier. This confidence comes naturally with experience
and the passage of time, but can be boosted by finding support and information,
taking care of oneself and not letting the fears of the night get out
of hand.
Disapproval from Others
Friends and family who may
have been supportive or understanding of nursing a small baby may become
critical once a child passes his first birthday and that criticism is
often greatest during the second 12 months of a child's life. For many
mothers, coping with disapproval is the hardest part of toddler nursing,
and it's a common reason why mothers wean a child who is past one. It's
not easy to continue to nurse when society frowns on the choice or misunderstands
a mother's motivation for continuing to provide for a child's needs.
Mothers who nurse longer may start to hide it from others to avoid confrontations.
Few mothers share this information unless they know they are talking
to the mother of another nursing toddler.
Many mothers of nursing toddlers
feel more limited about when and where they nurse. However, mothers'
comfort levels vary. Some think nothing of nursing a two- year-old in
most settings, while others weigh each situation individually. Some
nurse confidently in public situations where no one knows them, but
would never nurse in front of a disapproving family member.
Being prepared with answers
to questions or criticism may help. Answer lightly and with humor, and
then change the subject. A comment such as "We're in the process
of weaning" may deflect criticism. Express confidence by saying
something such as, "For right now, nursing is important to him,"
or "Nursing makes life easier for both of us."
Sometimes we fear disapproval
in a certain setting and find that either no one seems to notice, or
we actually receive some unexpected support. Ruth Penick of Ohio shares
this experience.
When my oldest daughter
was 15 months old, I had an experience I will never forget. We were
at the airport waiting for my mother's plane to arrive. Reni decided
she needed to nurse and it got to the point where I would have to
nurse her or I would have a screaming toddler. I couldn't find a secluded
place, not even a place where I could sit facing away from most of
the activity. So we sat there in the middle of everything and nursed.
After we were finished, a lady in her 70s came up to me and very quietly
said that she liked to see parents putting the needs of their children
ahead of what other people might think. I hope she realizes how much
it meant and still means to me that she took a moment to tell me that.
As Ruth's story shows, receiving
support is a real confidence booster. The support of like-minded friends,
books, and family is invaluable. Often mothers find the support and
understanding they need in a La Leche League Group where other mothers
may be experienced in nursing toddlers. Hearing that someone else shares
the same feelings, struggles, and joys that you do can help you appreciate
your little nursing person more, and it may help you decide whether
weaning is a good solution for you and your child.
Mother Feels Burned Out
Some mothers want to wean
because they feel tied down or they "want their bodies" back.
Sometimes a mother wants to wean because her life feels overwhelming.
Too many stresses and changes in a short time can leave a mother looking
for something—anything—in her life she can control. Sometimes, mothers
resent the time spent nursing and feel they're being controlled or manipulated
by their child.
Weaning may look like a way
to gain independence from your child, but it doesn't always work that
way. When children are small, they expect their needs to be met most
often by their mother whether or not they are breastfeeding. It may
be easier and more liberating to continue to meet your child's needs
by mothering through breastfeeding rather than putting in all the energy
it would require to encourage the child to wean.
Being aware and honest about
her own needs is the best way a mother can avoid feeling burned out
or put upon by nursing a toddler. Some mothers are happiest when they
get out daily. Others feel better if their balance leans toward staying
home. As toddlers get older, they may enjoy dad's company more, and
you may be able to get out more often alone. Mary Fleming of Illinois
writes about some ways she worked through nursing burnout.
I have experienced different
stages of nursing burnout with each of my nursing experiences. I have
found that my desire to wean my children has always coincided with
the times when I am neglecting my own needs. With small children in
the house, a mother's needs often come last. I used to feel selfish
when I took time for myself. I have finally realized that when I nurture
myself, I have more to give to other members of my family. I have
found many ways to nurture myself. Long aromatherapy baths right after
my husband comes home from work. Taking a yoga class once a week.
Reading novels in the middle of the night. Hiring a babysitter to
take the children to the park one afternoon a week. Riding my bicycle
for a half-hour. Getting a massage as a special treat. Arranging with
my husband for a sleep-in morning on the weekend. Napping when the
baby naps.
If you feel desperate for
freedom and a sense of yourself, remember you are not alone. Many mothers
have these feelings, and find the intensity of them comes and goes.
Night Waking
Many people think babies
and toddlers wake up only to nurse, and might not wake anymore if they
were weaned. Night waking for months and even years is a common occurrence
in many babies and children. Dr. William Sears says that babies aren't
designed to sleep through the night, but to sleep in short periods broken
by frequent nursing. Frequent nursing contributes to better growth in
the early months. Needs are no less for children during the night than
they are during the day. For more information on night waking, see NIGHTTIME
PARENTING by William Sears, MD,
and Crying Baby, Sleepless Nights by Sandy Jones (Available from
the LLLI Online Store or from local LLL Group Libraries).
Once they are older and busy
during the day, toddlers may wake frequently because they are receiving
most of their mother's milk at night. Older children often wake for
other reasons. such as teething, colds, allergies, loneliness, or minor
tummy aches.
For some children, weaning
does lessen night waking. However, your weaned child may still wake
at night and it will be more difficult for you because you no longer
have a guaranteed way to put him back to sleep. Sleeping through the
night is something that will happen eventually. Many children wean from
night waking in the same way and in the same time frame as they wean
from the breast. Gradually, over a few years, they stop waking during
the night. They acquire the skill naturally, at their own pace, and
become sound sleepers.
If you are tired from getting
up with your baby at night, there are some ways you can feel more rested.
You might try taking your child into your bed, or having him sleep on
a mattress on the floor next to your bed so you can nurse lying down
and fall back to sleep. During the day, take advantage of your baby's
nap times to rest. Avoiding caffeine and getting some light exercise
during the day can help you sleep better at night and fall back to sleep
more easily when your baby wakes. Not checking the clock at night and
not dwelling on how little you slept can help, too.
Sometimes you can readjust
your child's daytime activities to encourage better sleeping at night.
Some children are overstimulated by too many daytime activities and
sleep better after a quiet day at home. Others sleep soundly after a
day of outside play. Your child may need to eat more during the day,
or drink more water. Susan Van Meter from Massachusetts was struggling
with night waking, and found that her daytime routine was a factor.
Even though Rebecca had
not been indicating a need to nurse more frequently during the day,
I instinctively felt that too little time with me was the culprit
for restless nights. I immediately stopped worrying about what needed
to be done around the house and parked myself in the nursing rocker
and let her nurse for an extended time at nap times and bedtime. Her
sleep cycles improved on the first night! The additional milk, suckling,
and time in my arms seemed to do the trick.
Some mothers choose to wean
only from nighttime nursings and continue to use nursing as a mothering
tool during the day. La Leche League meetings are a good place to meet
other mothers who have had similar experiences. Group Libraries include
books with information about weaning.
Needs vs. Habits
Mothers sometimes wonder
if nursing is just a habit for their child, and if he might be just
fine if he were weaned. Occasionally, this could be the case. In the
book The Child Under Six, James L. Hymes Jr. offers this classic
definition of how to determine the difference between needs and habits:
If it was easy to break,
it was a habit. If you run into any major difficulty at all, beware,
you probably are not dealing with an old worn out habit. Chances are
that you are tampering with a need. Habits fade away with a little
counter-push. If you ignore basic needs, or try to block them, they
shoot sky high. If you treat needs as if they were habits, all you
do is to make them go on longer and stronger and more powerfully than
ever.
One way to decide if your
child is nursing out of habit or need is to try some gentle weaning
techniques, carefully observing your child's reaction. You will notice
quickly if your child balks or becomes distressed. This may indicate
nursing is still a strong need. On the other hand, you may be surprised
to find that your child is ready to wean and just needed a little assistance
from you. In either case, looking to your child will give you the information
you need to decide.
Weaning due to Frequent Nursing
Frequent nursing is necessary
for the growth of your child in the early weeks and months, but after
a child is past a year old, most mothers expect to nurse less frequently.
Yet some toddlers seem to nurse as much as newborns. In Breastfeeding
and Natural Child Spacing (Available from the LLLI Online Store),
Sheila Kippley writes, "Frequent nursing may continue well into
the second or third year of life." She also quotes a study by James
Wood, a research scientist at the University of Michigan Population
Studies Center, which studied the Gainj people of New Guinea, who nurse
for about three years. He noted that infants nursed about every 24 minutes,
and three-year-olds nursed about every 80 minutes.
It is wise, however, to consider
whether your child is nursing frequently due to something lacking in
his life. Sometimes a child nurses frequently because he is bored or
because it is the only meaningful contact he has with his mother. If
you suspect this may be the case, take time to play with your child,
read together, let him help you with housework and cooking, and make
eye contact when you talk to him. These kinds of "other mothering"
may be just what he needs.
If your child is still determined
to nurse often each day, despite attention from you and a stimulating
environment, he may have a genuine need to nurse frequently. High- need
or "spirited" children often seem to need more—more comfort,
more reassurance, more suckling. In other words, more nursing. Your
child may have a great desire to be touched and to connect with you
frequently. Your child may be an extrovert—someone who gains energy
through contact with other people. Children who are very sensitive or
emotional may nurse frequently to feel more stabilized, or to retreat
from the stress they feel so acutely.
Occasionally, a child's nursing
frequency increases. If it is an emotionally stressful time, he may
be nursing more for comfort and reassurance. Children may nurse more
often during a growth spurt or right before learning to walk, to use
the toilet, and other big developmental steps. Children nurse more when
they don't feel right because of illness or teething. Letting a few
days go by often answers the "whys" of sudden, increased
frequency.
Weaning to Encourage Independence
If your child is shyer than
most, or doesn't feel comfortable being separated from you even for
short periods, you may think it is due to continuing to nurse. In a
way, this may be true. Your child sees you as the secure fixture in
his life and the place he goes to get his most basic needs met. Your
child is lucky to have this relationship with you, and will gain lifelong
emotional security from it if he is allowed to separate from you on
his own timetable. However this type of closeness is not dependent on
whether or not a child is nursing.
Continued nursing may have
little to do with a child's bashful tendencies. Any mother with more
than one child notices distinct personality differences among her children.
Your child may be shy and sensitive by nature. Heredity may be a clue.
A child with a stay-close-to-mama manner may take after a parent or
other family member who has a quiet, retiring personality.
Weaning is unlikely to change
your child's personality. Without the comfort and security of nursing,
your child may become more clingy. Continuing to nurse until your child
is ready to wean gives your child a sense of security, which encourages
independence in the long run.
Setting Limits
Some mothers may feel guilty
about wanting to wean, especially if their child isn't ready or if they
had earlier thought they would wait until the child weaned on his own.
If your child is very attached to nursing, and you are longing to wean,
it can feel as though there's no way to resolve the problem except to
have one of you lose. Looking instead for a "win-win" solution
may help you feel more at peace.
It helps to remember toddler
nursing is no longer about nursing on demand in all situations. You
may find it helpful to set some limits with your child, particularly
in areas of your nursing relationship that are difficult for you. Some
rules mothers have found helpful are: only nursing at home, limiting
nursing to certain times of the day, and ending the nursing after a
certain number of minutes.
Mothers have needs, too,
and it's good to work with your child to come to an agreement. When
we listen to and observe our children, they give us plenty of clues
that show what they need and what restrictions are workable for them.
I'm Ready to Wean, But He's Not
What if, after trying everything,
you still really want to wean, but your child doesn't? This is a difficult
place to be, but many mothers have had these feelings. Balancing your
needs with your child's is possible, but may take some time and creativity.
In MOTHERING YOUR NURSING TODDLER (Available from the LLLI Online Store),
Norma Jane Bumgarner suggests deciding to either be happy with weaning
or happy with nursing. Leaving the land of ambivalence makes a big difference
for many mothers. If you are feeling defensive, obstinate, powerless,
or guilty about weaning, you're probably also feeling ambivalent. Once
you believe in your heart weaning is positive for you and your child,
weaning will most likely proceed smoothly. How do you get to a place
where the decision feels right? Over time, when you are struggling,
learning, and looking for answers, things slowly become clearer. You
may notice the nice aspects of continuing to nurse, and decide not to
wean. Or you may see how weaning can happen gently and gradually, and
that it's the best answer for you, your child, and your situation. In
either case, you feel at peace.
References
Bumgarner, N.J. MOTHERING YOUR NURSING TODDLER. Schaumburg, IL: LLLI, 1982.
Hymes, James L., Jr. The
Child Under Six. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, Inc., 1994.
Jones, Sandy. Crying Baby
Sleepless Nights. Boston, MA: Harvard Common Press, 1992.
Kippley, S. Breastfeeding
and Natural Child Spacing: How "Ecological" Breastfeeding
Spaces Babies. Cincinnati: Couple to Couple League International,
Inc., 1989.
Mohrbacher, N. and Stock, J. THE BREASTFEEDING ANSWER BOOK. Schaumburg, IL: LLLI, 1997.
Sears, W. NIGHTTIME PARENTING. Schaumburg. IL: LLLI, 1986.
THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, Sixth Edition. Schaumburg. IL: LLLI. l997.
Last updated 11/12/06 by jlm.
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