What Children Learn from Their Parents' Marriage
By Jane Tuttle
Lawrence KS USA
Report from 2001 LLLI Conference
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 18 No. 5, September-October 2001, p. 176
Children are incredibly quick
at learning about relationships, said Dr. Judith Siegel, an associate
professor at New York University and a marriage and family therapist.
She began her presentation by reviewing how children observe their surroundings
and draw conclusions about what is important in their culture.
Children are always observing
their parents' marriage and making inferences about what adult intimacy
is. When parents stay connected as lovers and friends, their children
learn this is how married adults treat one another. If a child sees
parents holding hands as they walk down the street, the child will grow
into an adult who sees handholding in public as a normal sign of affection.
Imagine the child who marries someone who does not have that same frame
of reference!
Siegel's book, What Children
Learn from Their Parents Marriage, has more information than she
could cover in the two-hour Conference session. First, she spoke on
the need for respect in a marriage. Parents should be thoughtful about
what they say about their partner in the presence of children. Parents
may say things to or about their partners that are hurtful, either in
the heat of anger, or while talking to others. Adults may think children
are playing noisily in the other room, but the children might be listening
and are not capable of distinguishing what is said in anger or frustration
from what their parents feel.
It is important for parents
to make their marriage a priority. In a fastpaced world, it is easy
to put career, childcare, and even personal time before the marriage.
Siegel suggested that dependence in a marriage is a statement of trust
and strength. Couples who use one another as a resource and for emotional
support are teaching their children that all problems can be solved.
Intimacy means that partners can lean on one another and be a support
for one another.
Conflicts in a marriage are
to be expected. She suggested that parents work on negotiating skills.
When parents negotiate in front of their children, they help children
see that differences are healthy and necessary for creating balance
in life. There is no better way to give your child the tools to build
healthy, strong relationships than to raise them in an environment where
parents practice listening respectfully, acknowledging differences,
and working thoughtfully to negotiate solutions to problems.
Theres a difference between
negotiating a conflict and fighting in anger. Research shows that children
are negatively affected by parents' anger. When parents can create a
home where children are no longer worried about conflict and see differences
as a normal part of life, the parents have given their children a great
gift.
No marriage is perfect, but
most do many positive things that children see. Children should see
affection between the parents. Not sexual affection, but true affection
for one another. They need to see friendship between the parents: shared
interests as well as thoughts. Children should hear parents praise each
other.
Dr. Seigel's presentation
was practical in approach. At the end of the session, she took questions
from the audience. She suggested to one questioner that often conflicts
about parenting choices originate in similar conflicts in the relationship
between the adults. Many people who attended this session loved it and
took away concrete ideas to use in their own lives.
Last updated Friday, October 27, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:42 UTC 2007.
