Toddler Tips
High-Need Toddlers
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 15 No. 3, May - June 1998, pp. 90-91
We provide articles from our publications from previous years for reference for our Leaders and members. Readers are cautioned to remember that research and medical information change over time.
"Toddler Tips" is a regular feature of the magazine NEW BEGINNINGS, published bimonthly by La Leche League International. In this column, suggestions are offered by readers of NEW BEGINNINGS to help parents of toddlers. Various points of view are presented. Not all of the information may be pertinent to your family's lifestyle. This information is general in nature, and not intended to be advice, medical or otherwise.
Situation
I have a high-need toddler.
At 21 months old, my son has finally become comfortable staying with
someone else for a time while I run errands, meet a friend for lunch,
etc. But until recently, we were literally "attached" all of the time.
Even his father could not take him away from me without hearing him
scream. When he was an infant, it seemed selfish to put my needs ahead
of his, so I didn't. As a result, I am 40 pounds heavier and depressed!
Life is still only tolerable at best. How have other mothers who believe
in attachment-parenting coped with a high-need toddler?
Response
Your son and my son could
have been twins separated at birth! But don't despair. My son is now
beginning to want to spend time with his father, because of all the
time my husband has spent with him (with me in the room, of course!)
Meanwhile here are some things that helped me cope.
- Read and reread THE FUSSY
BABY and The Baby Book, both by William Sears MD (may be available through the LLLI Online Store). They'll reassure you that attachment parenting
is good for your high-need child, and you are not "making him" that
way. I also recommend Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy
Kurcinka. It will give you insight
into your child and practical ideas for coping.
- Go faithfully to your
local LLL meetings for support. Daily phone contacts with women I have
met at meetings with children of similar temperaments helped me keep
my sanity.
- Rest when your son rests.
Most high-need children are high-need through the night as well. Though
there are many things you could be doing during his (probably short)
naps, the rest will leave you better able to cope with his demands.
- Know this will end. On
my worst days I look at my son asleep at my breast or quietly playing
independently and remind myself that in a very short time, another person
will become the most important person in his life, and I'll get only
a weekly phone call or visit.
- Don't forget physical
reasons for his high-need personality. At 15 months we discovered my
son (who had chronic ear infections) constantly had fluid in his ears
and needed tubes. No doubt the fluid caused some physical discomfort,
even when he didn't have an infection. Also, consider food allergies;
an intolerance for any food can cause discomfort. A sick or uncomfortable
child will want to be with his/her mother.
- Finally, do things you
enjoy with your child. Go to the mall, park, or zoo. Take walks in the
woods as a family. Play with modeling clay. Go to a fast food restaurant
and play on the playground afterwards. It is important to have fun with
our children. Remember childhood is very short. Good luck.
Lynn Mazza
Milton VT USA
Response
My daughter is 20 months
old and we too are still "attached." This was a big surprise to me at
first, but now I see her need to be close as perfectly normal. I adjusted
my viewpoint by thinking how I am growing stronger with this challenge.
It is character building to mother my child so intensely. I find support
with people who parent as I do. It helps to know there are families
like ours. Over time I found I could use the sling or backpack to accomplish
tasks when she was especially needy. I also came to realize I could
meet my needs with her there. We cook, clean, sew, shop, garden, exercise,
visit with friends, roller-skate and speak Spanish together. Now I see
only her delight in our special relationship. Our relationship is more
valuable to me than "getting away" is. I genuinely enjoy being with
her.
Heidi Rigert-Browne
Lancaster CA USA
Response
It was quite a shock for
me when I discovered that my baby was high-need. I had always believed
that if I took care of myself while pregnant, I would have a "good"
baby. Well, I do have a good baby, just not one with the temperament
I expected! Here is what has helped me.
First, I had to learn to
believe in my instincts. There are so many people who will try to make
you believe that you are "making your child this way" because of how
you are parenting. I know that my child's temperament is the one he
was born with it; I did not create it. By attachment parenting, I am
helping him to feel more secure. I am confident that he will grow up
to be an independent child and adult.
Second, I needed support,
which comes primarily from my husband, who also believes that our son
was born with his temperament. It also comes from a group of friends
that I "met" on the internet who have high-need children. We "talk"
every day, and it probably helps me maintain my sanity more than anything.
I can relate a story about something that happened, and they understand
perfectly. I also have found the books Raising Your Spirited Child
and LEARNING A LOVING WAY OF LIFE
helpful. Raising Your Spirited Child very accurately describes the high-need
temperament and has much information on how to interact with this temperament
type. LEARNING A LOVING WAY OF LIFE is a collection of mothers' stories,
and many of them are from mothers of high-need children. Reading about
how they coped with their children and how wonderfully their children
turned out was a real boost for me.
I also have gotten help.
My husband has worked hard to convince our son that they can do fun
things together without me. Beginning when my son was about the age
of your son, I started going away for longer and longer periods of time.
I now feel completely comfortable leaving my son with my husband for
an entire day—they have a great time together! Last summer, when my
son had just turned two, I found a teenage girl who would go to the
pool and other places with us. She would play with my son while I swam
laps or did other things for myself, such as get my hair cut. This was
a gradual process, but was worth the time and effort involved. She still
helps me out—this afternoon, we are all going to the dentist!
Finally, trust that things
will improve. My son turned three in April, and the difference between
when he was your son's age and now is phenomenal. He will actually spend
significant periods of time playing by himself. We also have a five-month-old,
and my older son has adjusted well. I think that the fact that my three-year-old
is still nursing has helped. Some days are rough, but I think that is
true regardless of a child's temperament. He is still high-need, but
we do have a life, and a fun one at that!
Susan Smylie
Adkins TX USA
Response
I also have a "high-need"
child. Her need for me has been so intense that at age three she is
still not comfortable with substitute caregivers, including her father.
My supportive husband and friends have helped me to resist the societal
idea that one needs time away from baby (or child) to be happy. Instead
I make "mental escapes" while my daughter is entertaining herself.
Through experience, I've
learned that we need to leave our apartment for at least a short time
each day, even if just to check the mail. We take frequent walks, which
have a positive effect on both my mental and physical health. My daughter
has logged many miles in various baby carriers and strollers. I especially
cherish late night hours to myself, if I haven't been worn out by her
or nursed to sleep by my infant son.
Having a high-need toddler
doesn't necessarily mean being stuck at home day in and day out. An
inquisitive toddler can add life to common activities such as shopping
and laundry. A toddler reminds us that life is an adventure where each
moment counts.
Emily Niven
Astoria OR USA
Response
You are not alone. My first
child was a high-need toddler also. We were "attached" until she was
eighteen months old, which is when I began leaving her for brief periods
with her father. My husband was a big help because he understood the
importance of our parenting style.
When Thalia was 21 months
old, my second child was born. At three-and-a-half, Thalia still does
not like to be away from me. High-need children ask more but they give
more back, too, when they are able, and Thalia has become a highly-sensitive,
thoughtful, and helpful child. Having her needs met helped Thalia understands
that the baby, Ilia, needs to have her needs met, just as she does.
It also helps her to understand
that her father and I have needs, too. At 21 months, Thalia usually
was able to accept a calm explanation that we need to be quiet so the
baby can sleep, or that I want to take a shower by myself this time.
I think what made Thalia's toddlerhood the best time of my life was
doing activities that met both our needs. My daughter loved the long
walks we all took, helping me clean house and garden, and doing poses
from our Yoga videos, which helped me to lose weight and keep up my
energy level.
Remember that you can give
only what you have been able to nurture in yourself. It helps me to
keep in mind that my children will probably parent in the same way I
am, and I will want them to know how to take care of themselves when
they are mothers.
I am concerned to hear that
you are depressed. Since our children are the main focus of our lives
we sometimes assume that many of the things we feel are related to them.
While caring for a high-need child is a consuming job, perhaps you should
consult a physician to make sure there isn't a health issue that needs
to be addressed. Good luck.
Liana T. Kowalzik
Weston WI USA
Response
I can empathize with the
situation. My son, Declan, age three, was glued to me night and day
for his first two and a half years. At times, I wanted some space for
myself! One thing that really helped me and was fun for him as well,
was to get some exercise and take my son along with me. We have a bicycle
trailer and have used it a lot from the time he was three months old
until today. I got exercise and some time with my husband, who rode
along, while Declan and our other son, Kynan, got to see scenery or
take a nice nap. Exercise really helps eliminate depression and weight
gain, and it does you good to get outside and see the sights. It will
help you hang in there and have some fun while your child gradually
becomes independent at his own rate.
Sue Ann Kendall
Champaign IL USA
Last updated Tuesday, October 17, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:49 UTC 2007.
