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When the Answer Is "No"
Trudy Hartt
Beaconsfield, Quebec, Canada
Nancy Spahr
Peru, Indiana USA
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 36 No. 2, April-May 2000, pp. 26-27.
A mother in your Group wants
to apply for LLL leadership. You've observed her and listened to what
she says at meetings, and you have some doubts or reservations. Following
the steps in the "Leader's Guide: In Preparation for an Application"
from the LLLI Application Packet, you discuss a Leader's role, LLLI
philosophy, and her experience. You use the "LLLI Prerequisites
to Applying for Leadership Guidelines for Leaders" (also in the
Application Packet) to help structure your discussion. In the end, you
just can't picture her as a Leader. What do you do? How can you tell
her? Is there a way that this could result in a positive outcome for
both the mother and La Leche League?
Let's consider what you
can do.
First, as a La Leche League
Leader, you will want to work in an ongoing fashion to create and support
a climate of honesty and respect. You can do this by:
- Working to make your
Group a place where every mother appreciates her value as a breastfeeding
helper.
As the Leader, you are
responsible for managing the Group, holding meetings, and facilitating
discussions. Your goal is to provide breastfeeding and mothering
information, ideas, and peer support. Peer support is something
that mothers can do for each other! A mother who understands and
appreciates that she has a vital role in the Group will be more
likely to continue attending and contributing to meetings.
- Fostering a respectful,
accepting atmosphere where mothers are comfortable to ask questions
about and experiment with the ideas they hear.
Mothers who feel accepted
and respected will be able to discuss feelings that accompany questions
such as, "What would happen if I weaned tomorrow?" or
"I'd do anything to make this baby sleep through the night!"
They may also be comfortable exploring the idea of being a Leader,
without expectations attached.
- Leading meetings and
communicating with mothers.
Talk and share information
with mothers rather than telling them what they should do. In this
way, whether you are talking about mothering or LLL leadership,
you present yourself as a source of information, encouragement,
and support rather than a judge.
- Conveying warmth and
friendliness while presenting LLL leadership as a job that requires
certain qualifications, experience, attitudes, and abilities which
are set forth in the prerequisites and criteria for accreditation.
Mothers will see this
in the way you lead meetings, manage the Group, and further your
education.
- Making it clear that
it is a Leader's responsibility to present LLL information and represent
LLLI philosophy.
Mothers who attend meetings
need to know that, whatever direction the discussion takes, the
Leader makes sure that LLL information is part of the discussion.
Understanding that a Leader speaks for LLL and provides a personal
example of LLLI philosophy in action can help mothers consider whether
leadership would feel comfortable to them.
Second, when you are
talking with a mother one-on-one about LLL leadership, you can ensure
a positive outcome by keeping some ideas in mind.
- Talk with the mother
about her personal goals and explore with her the variety of options
that could help her reach them.
For example, a woman
who wants to help mothers breastfeed could do so as an active LLL
Group member, a breastfeeding advocate and supporter in her community,
a peer counselor, a sponsor for a Breastfeeding Resource Center,
a lactation consultant, or an LLL Leader. Which might fit best with
her interests, qualifications, personal philosophy, and abilities?
- Affirm the mother's
desire to help other mothers.
Point out to her how
her qualities, talents, and skills make her a valued Group participant
who already helps to further LLLI's mission and her personal goal
of helping mothers breastfeed. Explore with her other ways to do
this, depending on her interests and skills. She might want to help
keep the meeting discussion on track; she might want to organize
a fund raiser or take on a Group job to help the mothers of the
Group find the information they need. She may also want to help
make plans or set goals for the Group at Evaluation Meetings.
- Be honest and open
if you find you need to say "no."
Actively involving the
mother and using your references can help avoid hurt feelings and
misunderstandings.
- Make sure that your
discussion with the mother is a dialogue, an exchange of information,
ideas, and opinions, rather than a "verdict."
Invite her reactions
to your observations. Ask for her assessment. You may wish to word
your inquiry as, "Do you see how the difference between what
an LLL Leader would be expected to suggest and what your experiences
were could affect your effectiveness as an LLL Leader?" This
will assure her that you are listening to her and can potentially
help the two of you come to an agreement on what the best decision
is for both the mother and LLL.
- You may need to explain
aspects of LLLI philosophy.
Refer to and use THE
WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING to provide clarification and examples.
Remind the mother that
an LLL Group provides a wide range of experiences and information
for mothers; some come from the Leaders, and more are shared by
the mothers. What the mother has to say, that she could not say
as a Leader, may be of more help to another mother than a Leader's
information.
- If relevant and appropriate,
talk about the likely consequences when words and actions give different
messages.
The action message will
be the stronger, with the result that a Leader could lose credibility.
This kind of conflict in messages reflects poorly on LLL and LLL
information. On the other hand, when actions and words give the
same message, the message and the person giving it are given more
credibility. When an experienced member talks about her experience
or solution to a problem and the action and verbal messages agree,
she provides interesting and potentially useful information, and
encourages others to share their knowledge too.
- With her help, identify
the mother's feelings.
They may include disappointment,
sadness, anger, indignation, or a combination of emotions. Acknowledge
her feelings, and respond with empathy.
- Avoid getting side-tracked
to other issues such as personalities, what others have said or done,
or what LLL's role "should be" in the breastfeeding community.
Rather, use LLLI resources
including Appendix 18 of the PSR; THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING;
and the LEADER'S HANDBOOK. Focus on facts and LLL's expectations
for Leaders.
This kind of meeting
is usually not easy. You can make it more positive by preparing
your approach and planning what you will say. Some specific suggestions
may help you with your preparations.
- Start with your thoughts
clearly developed.
Are you sure you can't
support the application, or are you almost sure? What information
do you have? Is there some information you still need from the mother?
Are you presenting a decision or an almost-decision? If you're not
sure, you need to gather more information - from the mother or a
Leader Accreditation Department (LAD) representative - before holding
this meeting. Being certain can help you speak articulately, with
confidence and conviction.
- Set a time to meet
with the mother as soon as possible.
Waiting can increase
anxiety - yours and hers. You might try to see this meeting as a
bridge from your discussions about LLL leadership to your renewed
working relationship with the mother.
- Have your references
handy, including Appendix 18 and notes from your earlier discussions
with the mother.
They provide an objective
measure of support for your assessment, as well as being a tangible
reference. They can also provide the common ground of information
you both need.
- Come with a plan to
give you a starting point for your discussion and a place to return
if you should get off on a tangent.
You can also be ready
to change your plan if appropriate. Explain the plan; ask the mother
if it looks satisfactory to her or if she would like to do something
different. Be open to her suggestions.
- You might start by
summarizing your last discussion.
Check the summary together:
is it accurate? is it fair? Say what your assessment is and why.
Be ready to go over the same material if the mother seems to have
misunderstood something, if she thinks you misunderstood, or if
she denies the importance. Be ready to hear something new and different
and to therefore reassess and come to a different conclusion. If
you need time to think, take a break. If you need to ask more questions,
do so. You might need to say: "I thought I had all the information
I needed. What you tell me changes things ..."; "I'm just
not sure it changes the outcome - I'm a little confused now";
"I need time to think" or "I need to ask you about
..." or "I need to consult with ..."
- Throughout, be prepared
to stop to check emotions and perceptions.
Some of these phrases
might be helpful:
"How do you feel
about that?"
"It looks like
that caught you by surprise. Were you expecting something else?
Tell me what you were expecting."
"I sense I've
upset you. Have I? If that's the case, it wasn't my intention.
Can we go back over what we've just said so I can say what I mean?"
"When you said
___ I had the impression you were feeling ____. If so, I'd like
to understand what led to that. Is it something I've said or done?"
- Use active listening
and leave time for yourself and the mother to think and respond.
Silence can also diffuse
emotion by allowing us to feel there's acceptance and respect in
the conversation. It can remove a sense of being pushed to say something
specific, or to think a certain way.
- Throughout, invite
the mother's reactions to or comments on what you've said. "Does
that sound accurate?"
"Did I hear you
right?" "Is that a fair assessment?"
- Be honest and straightforward:
Use "I" messages to keep the emphasis on your assessment
rather than criticizing.
You could refer to the
objective standard by stating: "It's my job as a Leader to
implement the policies on accreditation. That means recommending
according to the prerequisites you see here (Appendix 18). I don't
believe you meet the prerequisites." You could offer to consult
with a LAD representative or, if you already have, tell her who
you consulted with and what the outcome was.
- Acknowledge and affirm
the mother's desire to help other breastfeeding mothers.
Identify this as her
goal. Express your willingness to help her achieve her goal. This
emphasizes your common interest. You can review the different ways
women can help breastfeeding mothers and describe the differences
in requirements, training, and time commitment. What sounds attractive
and attainable? How can you help her? How can you help her achieve
her goal within LLL as a strong core Group member?
- Tell the mother about
the appeals process.
Since each situation
is different, you may want to ask a LAD representative for more
specific suggestions. A Human Relations Enrichment Instructor (HREI)
may be able to help you choose helpful language and statements.
To discover what could be the most effective way to develop your
skills and confidence, you might want to practice with your co-Leader
or a LAD representative. When you meet with the mother, take your
notes, resources, and a hopeful, optimistic attitude with you. Follow
your plan, being open to modifying it as necessary or appropriate
as your conversation unfolds. Remember that your honest, sincere,
respectful, caring attitude can be the most important factor in
the discussion.
The majority of mothers
who are interested in becoming LLL Leaders do meet the prerequisites.
We don't have much experience with having to say, "I cannot
recommend you," so we may feel unsure and unprepared to do
so. If you have experienced a positive outcome after talking with
a mother who did not meet prerequisites, please let the Leader Accreditation
Department know what you found most helpful. Your positive experience
will help other Leaders as they talk with mothers about leadership.
Additional Resources
"Leader's Guide: In
Preparation for an Application" Leader Application Packet, LLLI
485-22.
"LLLI Prerequisites
to Applying for Leadership -- Guidelines for Leaders" Leader Application
Packet, LLLI 485-22.
"Helping Mothers Become
Leaders" LEADER'S HANDBOOK, LLLI Rev. ed. 1998, Chapter 5, pp 225-44.
LLLI Policies and Standing
Rules Appendix 18.
THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING,
6th Revised Edition. LLLI.
LLLI Policies and Standing
Rules, Appendix 38, LLL Leader Accreditation, Appeals, Policies, and
Process.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:32:02 UTC 2007.
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