Avoiding the Advice Trap
Jill Whelan
Indianapolis IN USA
From: LEAVEN,
Vol. 37 No. 4, August-September 2001, p. 84
"Hello? Is this La
Leche League? I am having some problems nursing my baby and I could
really use your advice!"
As LLL Leaders we get calls
like this often. After all, LLL is the recognized world authority on
breastfeeding, and each of us as a Leader is an "expert" in
the sense that we have each nursed at least one year. We are passionate
about what we are doing. We believe in the philosophy and mission of
LLL. We are delighted when mothers seek our breastfeeding expertise.
Mothers sometimes directly ask, "What do you think I should do?"
or "What would you do if you were in my place?' We may feel that
we owe these mothers answers. But a response that begins with words
such as "You ought to..." or "You need to ... "
or 'Why don't you..." or "Well, if I were you, I'd..."
falls into the category of advice.
In Human Relations Enrichment
(HRE) II sessions, we discuss the ways in which giving advice can damage
the helping relationship. If the mother accepts the advice and is successful,
she may come to be dependent on the Leader for all of her parenting
decisions. If she accepts the advice and fails, she may reject the credibility
of the Leader as well as that of LLL. If the mother does not follow
the advice and succeeds, she may similarly conclude that the Leader
really does not know much, and she will probably not come back for help
in the future. If the mother rejects the advice and fails, she may either
resent the Leader for seeming to prove her wrong, or she may become
dependent on the Leader. Either way, the mother's self-confidence will
likely be very low.
Robert Bolton, in his book
People Skills, calls advising one of the most commonly used "roadblocks"
to communication; even he, who knows it is rarely constructive, finds
that it is a "rather constant temptation." It is certainly
a temptation for many of us as Leaders, new and experienced alike! However,
Bolton cautions that giving advice "implies a lack of confidence
in the capacity of the person with the problem to understand and cope
with his or her own difficulty." THE LEADER'S HANDBOOK states,
"When someone
gives advice they also send another unspoken message: a lack of confidence
and trust in the listener. The assumption is that the listener needs
to be told what to do." Since respect and trust are the basis of
an effective helping relationship, it is clear why giving advice should
be avoided.
We in LLL strive to encourage
mothers to trust their own instincts, to develop their own mothering
styles, to make informed decisions for their families based on their
unique needs and situations. Instead of giving advice, we offer information.
Vicky Tanco, a Leader from Sao Paulo, Brazil, developed a method she
calls, "LACE" for helping without giving advice.
1. Listen. Wait for the question.
Allow the mother to give you an insight into herself - her feelings,
attitudes, and relationship with her baby. It takes time to get to know
someone. A phone call may not be enough. However, by listening actively,
letting the mother use us as a sounding board, we can better help her
go on to the next step.
2. Ask questions. Ask specific questions. Use How and What (What is
your baby's feeding pattern? Describe to me how his diapers look.),
rather than questions answerable by yes or no. Also ask a mother about
her thoughts, such as How do you feel about that? and What feels right
to you? or What would you like to see happen?
3. Give choices. Impart enough information to allow the mother to make
an informed decision. Avoid telling her what to do. Use phrases like
'Many mothers have found' or 'Let me read to you what I have on the subject.'
Her choice will stem from her own discernment of the situation and the
responsibility will rest on her.
4. Let information and support empower her. It is the mother's responsibility
to decide what's best for her family. She is the expert in her baby's
care. Information and support are seeds that will help her confidence
grow in her mothering. An important point to remember is that the Leader
is not responsible for persuading the mother one way or the other. You
do not need to feel that you have somehow failed if the mother makes
a choice different from one you yourself would have made, or one that
runs counter to LLL philosophy. That new mother who perhaps chooses
to wean early with her first baby will be likely to come to LLL for
help and support with successive babies if she goes away with a positive
feeling about her relationship with you. She may pass the word along
to her family and friends who have babies. And who knows,
someday she may become a Leader herself. "Avoiding the Advice Trap'
was adapted from Leaders' Line, the Area Leader's Letter (ALL) of Indiana,
USA, Spring 2000.
References
Bolton, R. People Skills.
1979; 22
LEADER'S HANDBOOK. Schaumburg, Illinois: LLLI, 1998; 23.
Jill Whelan has been
a Leader in Indianapolis, IN, USA for 12 years, and an HRE Instructor
for four years. She is married to Chuck Mullen, and has two sons, Andrew
(16) and Patrick (10), whom she homeschools. Even though her children
are long past the age of breastfeeding, she continues to enjoy the friendships
(and the pot-lucks!) that being involved in LLL brings. She is especially
fond of supporting Leaders and Applicants by giving HRE sessions and
speaking at Area Conference.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:31:28 UTC 2007.
