Being Prepared to Let Go . . . Gradually
Letting Go: A Parents'
Guide to Understanding the College Year
by Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence
Treeger HarperCollins, 1997
From: LEAVEN,
Vol. 35 No. 6, December 1999-January 2000, p. 136
Reviewed by Dor Sachetti
Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania, USA
"If only I had known about
this book sooner!" That's what I said when I found an advertising brochure
for this guide tucked in the parents' packet at my daughter Rachel's
college orientation weekend. I'm sharing highlights of the book's wisdom
here in the hopes that you will read it earlier than I did.
Authors Karen Levin Coburn
and Madge Lawrence Treeger say that "the process of 'letting go' actually
starts in the first years of life." Hmm, sounds like gradual weaning
to me. Right away I knew I was going to like this book and recommend
it to the LLLI Book Evaluation Committee. I'm always looking for books
that fit my parenting philosophy. I've found them more difficult to
find as my daughters have gotten older.
Letting Go is a parent's
guide to understanding the college years. But since teens - and their
parents - begin to think about post-secondary education several years
before entering college, it's helpful to know what to expect. This book
covers choosing a college, getting ready to go, the first year and the
remaining years.
In "Some Things Never Change"
Coburn and Treeger remind us that "Who am I?" is a question replayed
by every generation, each in its own context. Although this identity
curriculum is not spelled out in college catalogs, much of the college
experience is devoted to it. This chapter is a reminder to give thought
to how we handled identity, independence, intimacy and change at that
age. I know that sometimes I can become so wrapped up in my role as
a parent, that I need to step back and look at things from my child's
perspective.
The chapter on college life
today brought me up to speed on issues such as who attends college today,
courses of study, life outside the classroom, even technology. The section
I would have welcomed most as a help earlier on is what Coburn and Treeger
had to say about how teens choose a college. Had I had a better understanding
of what Rae was thinking, what she was looking for, I could have saved
myself a lot of worry about The Big Decision. I'm sure Rae would have
appreciated my "chilling out" a bit, too.
The authors quote a Princeton
University admissions counselor, "The best thing a parent can do is
step back and help the child look at the pros and cons of each school.
The key is to ask meaningful questions rather than give answers."
Heading off to college is
risk taking and a fresh start; it's both separating and letting go.
The authors asked prospective first year students what excited them
about entering college as well as what concerned them.
They told us they were
excited about meeting new people from different backgrounds, but were
concerned about getting to know different kinds of people, being lonely
and getting along with their roommates. They were excited about living
in a more independent atmosphere and having freedom; at the same time,
they were worried about handling responsibility, making decisions
for themselves and managing their time. They were excited about having
fun and "wild times," and they were worried about handling parties,
drugs and alcohol. They were looking forward to intellectual challenges
and were anxious about doing well academically. And most of all they
were excited and concerned about leaving home and family (pp. 110-11).
It beats me how parents survived
the first year of their child being away at college in the days before
email. I didn't need a book to tell me how this instant and economical
form of communication kept just the right mix of distance and connectiveness
for both Rae and me. Coburn and Treeger remind parents that we often
receive a skewed view of our son's or daughter's psychological well
being that first year. They say the "ups" are reserved for friends and
the "downs " for us.
How soon should you read
this book? Perhaps two years before your child heads for college. LLL's
"gradually and with love" will help you let go in your own style. Letting
Go will help you be well-prepared.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:32:17 UTC 2007.
