Helping Relatives Breastfeed
Bonnie Tilson
Pennsylvania USA
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 25 No. 4, July-August 1989, pp. 51-52
When a Leader helps a mother,
she acts as a sounding board: listening, asking questions, helping a
mother clarify her feelings, and offering information, suggestions,
and options from which the mother can choose. With time and practice
most Leaders find this low-key, supportive role comes easily to them.
However, when the mother asking for help is the Leader's relative, the
dynamics of the helping situation may be different. The Leader and the
mother may have a long history together, which can be difficult to separate
from the helping situation. And the baby involved is part of the Leader's
own family, giving the Leader a personal stake in wanting to make sure
the baby gets the best by breastfeeding.
How do Leaders cope with
helping relatives breastfeed? How do they manage to provide objective
information in what may be an emotionally charged situation? Leaders
who have helped relatives breastfeed consider it to be one of the most
challenging of all LLL helping situations. But, despite the potential
heartaches, for many it is also a joyous experience.
The difficulties are obvious.
When relatives seek help, Leaders desperately want to make the experience
perfect for both mother and baby. They have an emotional commitment
to their relatives that transcends all other helping situations.
But Leaders whose relatives
are pregnant need to avoid their first inclination: to step in, invited
or uninvited, and share all the information they have learned as LLL
Leaders. Leaders would benefit from stepping back and reflecting on
their role as Leaders, on what is unique to this helping situation,
and on what other Leaders have learned from helping their relatives
breastfeed.
The Leader’s Role
When a Leader first finds
out her relative is pregnant she might remind herself that her role
as an LLL Leader is to provide women with information and support so
that they can make informed decisions as to whether or not to breastfeed
and how to do it. Leaders helping relatives breastfeed sometimes lose
sight of this role. Wanting a niece, nephew, or cousin to have the benefits
and joys of breastfeeding becomes paramount and may cloud the Leader's
view of how she should be helping.
When discussing with a relative
whether or not she plans to breastfeed, consider carefully the circumstances
and the mother's feelings before offering any information. Most importantly,
listen to what is being asked. Is the relative truly asking for breastfeeding
information or is she just trying to be polite? Could she be afraid
to tell such an avid breastfeeding mother that a member of her own family
may not be planning to breastfeed?
Nancy Mohrbacher, from Illinois,
recalls helping a sister-in-law breastfeed. "I was disappointed
when, after reading the books I had given her-- THE
WOMANLY ART OF
BREASTFEEDING and Breast is Best--she decided not to nurse her
baby. But another Leader helped me put it into perspective when she
said, 'You gave her the information and she made an informed choice.'
This helped me accept the situation."
The relative with no interest
at all in breastfeeding certainly tests a Leader's helping skills. It
may be hard for a Leader to be silent when a baby in her family is not
breastfed. Nancy goes on to say, "My experiences in helping relatives
breastfeed have re-emphasized to me the importance of the Leader's role
as a support person. We are not there to tell mothers what to do or
how to do it. Each mother needs to decide for herself if she wants to
breastfeed and how she wants to mother her own baby. And that's the
way it should be. While it may be tempting, especially with those in
our family, to try to take control by telling our relatives what they
should do, our primary job is to support the mother in following her
own instincts. This increases a mother's self-confidence and brings
mother and baby closer and more in tune with each other, thereby laying
the foundation for a strong mother-child relationship."
What Is Unique
When Leaders help a sister,
sister-in-law, cousin, or other relative breastfeed, they are often
helping someone they have known for a long time. The history of their
relationship cannot be separated from the helping situation. There is
an advantage to this: The Leader often knows exactly what information
to offer to best help her relative. However, Leaders who are not careful
can let their history get in the way of their ability to help their
relative breastfeed.
Leaders respond almost automatically
to telephone requests for help by using their communication skills.
They are attentive and listen carefully to what the mother is saying.
They clarify the problem, ask questions to encourage the mother to talk,
summarize issues when necessary, and offer support and information appropriate
to the particular situation.
Although this is exactly
how Leaders want to respond to a relative, other things they know about
the person can influence their response. "If a relative has a negative
image of LLL, we feel that we are included in that negative image, by
virtue of our association with LLL," explains Cheryl Hutchinson,
from New Jersey. In such situations, yielding to the temptation to soft-pedal
the League, or to devote energy to defending LLL, can affect a Leader's
ability to share the breastfeeding information.
Ruth Breithaupt, from Ontario,
recalls helping one of her relatives. She could never forget her family's
outspoken disapproval of LLL. "I got caught up in the idea that
if I could get my relative to nurse successfully, I would save the day
in the name of LLL, and finally be given some respect for what I know,
and perhaps even be raised a few notches in the family totem pole."
Indeed, some Leaders have
delighted in playing a role in the evolution of a relative's parenting
style. Brenda Harrison, from Ontario, had been criticized for her breastfeeding
ways by her husband's cousin. But when the cousin's wife had a premature
baby, Brenda helped her breastfeed.
Many Leaders who have been
asked to help family members breastfeed say they have felt personally
responsible for their relatives' breastfeeding successes and failures.
They became so emotionally involved with their relatives that it was
very difficult to let go of the situation and let their relatives make
their own decisions.
"I wanted so much for
my sister to have what I had, but she had to want it," Cathy McKay
from Nevada says, describing her efforts to help her sister breastfeed
her premature daughter. "I wanted her to have the same determination
that I had, but she didn't. I feel that she did what she needed and
wanted to do, and I have to accept that it was right for her. I know
she loves her daughter as much as I love mine."
In addition, when breastfeeding
does not work for their relatives, Leaders are continually reminded
of this fact. A case in point: When Ronna Bertman, from Oklahoma, tried
to help her younger sister breastfeed, she was crushed by what she saw
as her own failure. "Every day I have to remind myself that this
is her baby and she made her choices. But I can't help but grieve for
what they are both missing."
Leaders also find that working
with relatives offers a unique opportunity to provide encouragement
by example. Leaders' relatives see them care for their babies and children
at family gatherings, at home, and in public places--situations that
often require the utmost patience and skillful parenting.
Janet Zablocki, from Ontario,
and Deborah Garro, from New Jersey, both had the satisfaction of helping
sisters-in-law breastfeed by being role models. " My sister-in-law
said that the example I gave her was the best encouragement she could
have," explains Deborah. "We're both still nursing our little
people, who are two and two-and-a-half years old."
What Leaders Learned
The overwhelming consensus
from Leaders is that the best way to help a relative breastfeed is to
first give meeting information and THE WOMANLY ART OF
BREASTFEEDING, then keep quiet unless and until the relative
asks for help. Brenda Harrison is one Leader who has learned that helping
relatives breastfeed is a delicate situation that merits a delicate
approach. "I no longer offer information unless they really want
it," she says. "I am no longer overzealous. I gently offer
bits of information and do not push it."
A frequently quoted LLL motto
is "family first." When helping relatives breastfeed, Leaders
should keep this motto in mind--with a somewhat interesting twist. That
is, a Leader's relationship with family members is more important than
whether relatives breastfeed their babies. As Cheryl Hutchinson notes,
"Cherish your relationship. It will last, for good or bad, much
longer than the breastfeeding does."
In addition, Leaders caution
that sometimes they are more critical of family members than they are
of strangers. It is important for Leaders to remind themselves to offer
family members the same respect they offer all women, answering each
and every question without judging them and without presupposing that
relatives will breastfeed. Simply because a Leader is a role model and
because their relatives are well aware of LLL does not mean that relatives
will want to breastfeed, or that they will recognize when problems arise.
Marlene Cullen, from California,
learned something from her experience helping her younger sister breastfeed
that she applies to all mothers. "I've learned to be cautious in
helping mothers--to really listen to what they are and are not saying.
Do they really want to breastfeed? Or are they asking permission not
to breastfeed? Either way they can be fine mothers."
Similarly, Barbara Kana,
from Arkansas, also found that "acceptance became a challenge when
a sister I love and care so much about chose not to persevere (with
breastfeeding)." Ironically, Barbara's older sister had been the
one who led her to LLL by helping Barbara breastfeed her second baby.
While Leaders do not have
to pretend to agree with relatives who breastfeed in a different way--or
who end up not breastfeeding at all-it is important to recognize and
praise the efforts their relatives make. The more positive strokes a
Leader gives, the more likely her relative is to ask for help when other
problems occur. Leaders can even look beyond breastfeeding and find
other parenting issues to praise. "Praise relatives whenever possible,
for their efforts, for their persistence, and for their mothering,"
says Cheryl Hutchinson.
Although helping relatives
breastfeed can be a real challenge, it can also bring Leaders closer
to relatives and provide valuable lessons about how to help all mothers
breastfeed. And, as with all LLL helping situations, when we share breastfeeding
information and support with a relative, we extend the circle of love
to all those who come into contact with the mother we help.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:32:03 UTC 2007.
