The Benefits of Confrontation
Pam Young
Turlock CA USA
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 40 No. 3, June-July 2004, p. 57.
Conflict between co-Leaders
is inevitable. Yes, we have our common goal of helping women with their
breastfeeding and mothering needs. But look at all the differences:
we sometimes come from radically different walks of life and we all
have unique priorities for the Group, varied amounts of free time, and
different levels of energy and commitment. Furthermore, we have strong
personalities. Of course there is going to be conflict!
Conflict and confrontation
aren’t bad. In fact, I wish I had had more conflict with one of
my former co-Leaders. Actually, we needed more confrontation, but conflict
would have been a good first step.
There was often subtle, underlying
tension at our Leader Meetings. It was so subtle that I could easily
convince myself that I was misreading the situation. I wished for a
couple of years that she would clarify the issue for herself and then
confront the rest of the Leaders (or me, if I was the troublesome one).
Like most people, she preferred to avoid conflict. She succeeded in
avoiding conflict, but never managed to get her needs met. We co-Leaders
never were given the chance to change our behavior or compromise, because
we never heard what the problem was.
She has retired now and the
rest of us have been denied a chance to grow.
Maybe I could have planned
a series of Communication Skills (CS) sessions to be held at her house.
Taking the third session together would have given us a common set of
skills and the inspiration to see confrontation as a resolution. Communication
Skills 3, also called “Developing Skills For Harmony,” has
shown me how a little conflict can actually be healthy for a Group.
I have two co-Leaders who
are very good at confrontation. Taking CS 3 and other communication
courses have augmented their natural abilities. They know that addressing
rather than suppressing conflict opens the lines of communication and
that talking to each other instead of about each other makes us a team.
Their courage makes the process almost painless.
I think the key to relatively
painless confrontation is to remember the phrase “early and often.”
Confront as early as possible so that it doesn’t escalate to a
really big deal and as often as necessary. Practice is the key. Just
as with breastfeeding and bicycle riding, you can read about it all
you want, but the real learning starts with practice.
The first lesson in CS 3
helps us learn to determine who “owns” a particular problem.
We’re taught to ask, “Who is bugged?” Now I know who
was bugged—I’m still fretting, aren’t I! Then an “I”
message is formed: “When ____ I feel ____ because ____.” The
trick is to keep soul-searching until the blanks are filled in. Like
this: “When I sense tension in the room and know from rumors that
you are unhappy with something about me, I feel helpless because I don’t
know how to work on the problem.” Sometimes it’s tricky to
keep blame and accusation out of the “I” message.
I have taken or conducted
CS 3 sessions at least four times, so far! I’m gradually learning
to apply the skills to my everyday life. As I mentioned above, I waited
a couple of years for that co-Leader to confront me. Now that she is
no longer a Leader, I realize that the problem was ours, not just hers.
Editor’s note: The
Communications Skills Department (CSD) program varies from Division
to Division and between Affiliates. Many revisions have taken place
in recent years. Please contact the CSD instructor/facilitator in your
area to find out what is being offered.
This article originally
appeared in the Winter 2001 issue of Grapevine, the Area Leaders’
Letter for LLL of Northern California/Hawaii, USA. Pam Young has been
a Leader since 1991. She and husband, Andy, have four children: Patrick
(15), Katie (13), Erin (10), and Kerry (5). She is the Communications
Skills Coordinator for Northern California and Hawaii, USA, and leads
with a Group in Turlock, California. Nan Vollette is the Contributing
Editor for the “Helping Mothers” column.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:32:16 UTC 2007.
