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Skills for
Effective co-Leading
Helen Hazlett
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 27 No. 3, May-June 1991, pp. 35-7
Monica is angry! Her co-Leader
Jean had said she would put a notice in the local newspaper to publicize
their next Series Meeting. When Monica looked for it in the paper, there
was no notice. Monica calls Jean to ask her about it, and Jean says
that she just didn't have time this month because of so many commitments
at her children's school. Monica is getting tired of hearing the phrase
"Family first"! She's beginning to think that it's time to
retire from La Leche League. Jean feels hassled by Monica's uptight
attitude and wishes she would retire. Can this "marriage"
be saved?
La Leche League Leaders shine
when it comes to giving support and encouragement to others. Many Leaders
remain active because they are watered like a thirsty plant by the warm
words of their fellow Leaders. What happens when the feelings and thoughts
that need to be expressed don't carry that warm, accepting tone? What
if a Leader feels downright angry about something? Have you ever wondered
how to get your message across to a co-Leader without wilting her with
your strong feelings?
All Leaders share a common
goal--to help mothers breastfeed their babies. Effective communication
helps Leaders achieve that goal. When Leaders acknowledge one another's
strengths, everyone feels appreciated and valued. When Leaders express
their concerns, desires, and disappointments, they achieve a deeper
understanding of one another. When Leaders communicate their irritations,
upsets, and even anger in an assertive, rather than aggressive, manner,
their relationship remains clear so that the work of leading a Group
can continue. Feelings of disappointment, irritation, and anger are
a normal part of human relationships. Leaders who risk communicating
these feelings assertively can empower each other to achieve their shared
goal.
Many people hesitate to express
themselves when they feel angry because they fear that they will hurt
the other person. They may hold back their feelings, but the relationship
doesn't grow because they haven't shared who they really are or how
they feel. When unpleasant feelings are held in check too long, the
accepting, caring feelings may not come out either. Feelings of dissatisfaction
can grow out of proportion to the events that triggered them if they're
not addressed. The danger also exists that some day the dam will burst
and all those hostile feelings will come pouring out in an unchecked
torrent. Worse yet, the bearer of those unhappy feelings can burn out,
like a garden choked with weeds, and withdraw from the relationship.
Know Yourself and Share
Yourself
When a Leader makes her expectations
clear to herself and to her co-Leader, she increases her chances of
getting what she wants. Does she feel she's getting all the help she
needs from her co-Leader? Perhaps she wants to limit her League work
to the basics of leading meetings, phone helping, Group management,
keeping up with breastfeeding information, and working with Leader Applicants.
Maybe she's inspired to learn a new skill, increase La Leche League's
visibility in the community, or work at another level, such as the Chapter
or Area. By discussing dreams and goals with her co-Leader the Leader
can clarify her thoughts and make her desires known to her partner.
The same principles of communication that keep a good marriage strong
also apply to co-Leaders working together.
Personal style can also affect
the relationship between Leaders. One may be a "take-charge,"
efficient organizer. Another may be an empathetic listener, skillful
at drawing out a person's thoughts and feelings. One Leader manages
the Group with schedules, lists, and a well-planned outline, while her
co-Leader requires no more than a brief pre-meeting discussion to sail
through a meeting. Monica has all her Group responsibilities penciled
in on her large "month-at-a-glance" calendar and her outline
prepared several days before the scheduled Series Meeting. Jean, on
the other hand, looks at THE NEW LEADER'S HANDBOOK one hour before the
meeting starts and jots down the two or three questions she will use
for that night's discussion. Each Leader can recognize and respect the
style of her co-Leader. This respect will serve as the foundation for
healthy communication between Leaders.
Make the Time to Talk and
Plan Together
Maintaining good communication
takes time, whether in a marriage or between co-Leaders. Leaders find
their work goes more smoothly if they make time to communicate regularly
about their Group responsibilities, at least once a series. This can
be done by mail, phone, or in person by holding regular Group planning
sessions. All Leaders need to discuss the division of labor within the
Group. This is also the time to discuss feelings or difficulties.
Some Leaders divide their
responsibilities according to their personal preferences, each Leader
taking the jobs she likes and does best. Other Leaders rotate their
job with each series or with each meeting, deciding who will lead the
Series Meetings, who will lead the Evaluation Meetings, who will write
and send the monthly report form to the District Advisor, and who will
order supplies from La Leche League International. If the Group has
workers who are handling the jobs of Secretary, Treasurer, Librarian,
Publicity, and Refreshment Coordinator, which Leader(s) will make sure
that those jobs are being done? Decide who is responsible for finding
a meeting location, setting up the Library and books for sale, and greeting
new mothers at the meeting.
It is especially important
to discuss Group jobs when a Leader Applicant has completed her Preview.
The Leaders, along with the Leader Applicant, need to plan together
how the newest Leader will become involved in the Group. They can plan
for her to begin leading meetings as soon as she has signed her Letter
of Commitment. To encourage mothers to call her, her phone number can
be placed first on meeting notices, in newcomer packets, and in community
publicity such as newspaper ads. The Leaders can discuss basic Group
responsibilities and reassign some to the new Leader. All Leaders share
the responsibilities of their Group as equals.
But what if their plans hit
a snag? Rachel and Sue were ecstatic to learn that Lisa was about to
sign her Letter of Commitment to become a Leader, until she called to
say that a family crisis would limit her involvement in La Leche League
for a while. Lisa said she wouldn't have the time to attend meetings
regularly or to help much with the Group responsibilities. Rachel and
Sue felt disappointed and worried that Lisa would never get involved
in the Group as a Leader. One way to handle this situation would be
for the three Leaders to meet and review their Group responsibilities
to discuss what Lisa can handle and their feelings about their workload
so that no one becomes resentful.
When It's Time to Make Changes
Connie's husband Jim comes
home from work looking depressed and announces that he's been laid off
at work. With their third baby due in another month, both of them are
panicked. They need time to work out the details of their lives during
this period of transition.
Life contains many periods
of transition. New babies arrive, families move, loved ones become ill
or die. All require time and energy as family members learn to adjust
and cope with the changes involved. We as mothers often have primary
responsibility for managing these transitions and for seeing that all
family members get their needs met. These periods contain an opportunity
for growth if managed with a watchful eye and an open mind, and being
a member of La Leche League can be a source of support for a mother
when she is experiencing a major life change.
A Leader going through a
major transition will need to evaluate her time and energy. She needs
to talk with her co-Leader about what and how much work she can handle.
This may be a good time for them to discuss the division of labor and
how to streamline reassign, or eliminate certain jobs. It may be necessary
to shift basic Group responsibilities to lighten their load and to drop
some optional activities for a time. She should plan to talk with her
co-Leader often, both for moral support and to evaluate her workload.
Group workers can be valuable sources of help in times like these, and
a Group can be greatly strengthened by a Leader's willingness to "share
the load." Delegating responsibilities when an unusual situation
occurs is also a way of demonstrating La Leche League's ideals.
As children grow, new opportunities
for involvement outside of La Leche League come along. A Leader can
find her attention divided between Group work and school or other activities.
A Leader will sometimes begin to behave as though she were retired without
actually changing her status or discussing a shift in Group responsibilities.
A Leader writes, "In our Chapter one Leader has a two-month-old
and a four-year-old and somehow she always ends up with primary responsibility
for her Group, even right after giving birth. Her three co-Leaders are
usually 'too busy' with their older children's activities to be much
help. They feel they must be at every soccer game even if it means they
miss all the Series Meetings during the season. The Leader with younger
children feels lots of resentment and her requests for help usually
fall on unresponsive ears."
Even when there are no major
transitions in the Leaders' lives, they may still want to examine their
division of labor. Be sensitive to the signs that indicate the need
for change, such as tension, anger, resentment, or indifference. When
she notices these feelings, the Leader can think carefully about her
Group involvement and try to pinpoint what changes are needed.
Clear the Air with Assertive
Communication
What can be done with irritated,
aggravated, or annoyed feelings before they escalate to resentful, hostile,
or enraged ones? Speak up assertively.
A vast difference exists
between assertive and aggressive communication. Assertive communication
focuses on the speaker's feelings; aggressive communication focuses
on the listener's characteristics. The assertive speaker says, "I
feel ignored when my calls aren't returned." The aggressive speaker
says, "You never return my calls. You don't care about my opinions."
When a statement starts with "you," it can sound aggressive
and accusatory and make the listener defensive. (The exception is the
"You feel . . ." statement to show empathy.) The assertive
speaker clears the air by inviting more communication: "How do
you feel about what I just said?" This differs from an aggressive
demand for an explanation of the listener's behavior. "What made
you do that? "
An assertive message leaves
the listener's self-worth intact, while an aggressive one tears down
self-esteem. Compare "I appreciate your willingness to hear my
feelings," to "You'll never understand me." To speak
assertively, make "I" statements, give the listener a chance
to express her feelings by asking for a response to your message, and
follow up with statements that express the value of your relationship
with the listener.
Sometimes it's hard to know
how to start when feelings have been left unsaid for a long time. Perhaps
you've tried to talk about it but aren't satisfied with the outcome.
If so, call or write the District Advisor. She can act as a resource
person to help Leaders sort out their concerns, suggest strategies for
improving communication with a co-Leader, or if the need arises, to
arrange a discussion between Leaders to help them find a mutually agreeable
solution.
Treat Co-Leaders with Consideration
Improving communication with
a co-Leader requires a positive attitude and a willingness to respect
individual differences. As one Leader observed, "As Leaders, we
share a common experience and general philosophy but remain unique individuals
with different personalities, family situations, and leadership abilities."
Just listening with respect to each other's feelings may be all that's
necessary to improve the relationship between Leaders.
Another Leader comments,
"My feelings about my LLL work and my co-Leader don't depend on
how evenly the responsibilities are divided. During the years my co-Leader
and I have worked together, I have usually taken on a larger share of
the Group work. But that has never bothered me because she treats me
with consideration by always following through on her promises. She
has never let me down because she respects the fact that I have a family
to put first, too."
Group work can inspire excitement
and creativity When a Leader discusses commitments regularly with her
co-Leaders and feels support, it will be easier for her to find the
level of League work that is optimal for her. She's created a working
partnership and a support network that can help her through difficult
times. Taking the time and having the courage to communicate assertively
as needed will strengthen the partnership. La Leche League work can
yield a harvest of beautiful friendships to last a lifetime.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:32:04 UTC 2007.
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