The Importance
of Being Accepted
Terrell Dunkirk
Missouri USA
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 28 No. 3, May-June 1993, pp. 44-45
Providing a warm, welcoming
atmosphere at meetings is something most Leaders don't have to think
twice about. We became Leaders because we remembered how good we felt
after our first La Leche League meeting and wanted to help others in
the same way. There are times, however, when we may feel uncomfortable
with the choices a mother makes. If her decisions are in direct conflict
with LLL philosophy, we may wonder why she has come to LLL at all.
For example, I'm sure we've
all been shocked by the woman who attended meetings faithfully during
pregnancy only to give up breastfeeding before going home from the hospital.
"Well," we say, "that was a waste of time. She didn't
learn anything during all those months of meetings." How about
the mother who calls you week after week with questions, only to do
the exact opposite of what you suggest? Nothing you say seems to sink
in. The truth is, these women learn a lot. They learn about friendship
and the spirit of helping that makes LLL so special. If we do not present
a welcoming atmosphere, they will learn a negative lesson about LLL
instead - a lesson about criticism and disapproval. One of the most
important things I have discovered since becoming a Leader is the truth
in the old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes. You
can never know what things are like for the mothers attending meetings
or calling for help. Perhaps a mother has an unsupportive husband, intense
pressure from other family members, or low self-esteem. When I see a
baby with a bottle, I try to remember that his mother may have tried
to nurse him without proper support or information. The baby may be
adopted or may have been weaned for reasons unknown to me. Sometimes
a mother may be embarrassed to nurse in public, so she brings a bottle
along.
Even though I try to be accepting
of others, I certainly never expected to be helping a mother warm a
bottle of formula during a meeting! When I realize how far I've come
in being able to welcome mothers regardless of their circumstances,
I have to credit a former co-Leader who shared her story with us at
a meeting four years ago.
When Carol's first child
was born twenty years ago, she gave up nursing after a couple of weeks
because of sore nipples. A concerned friend brought her along to a La
Leche League meeting, hoping Carol would learn enough to prevent the
same problem with her next baby. Carol sat through the meeting feeding
her baby a bottle of powdered milk mixed with hot water from the tap.
Not one mother rolled her eyes or even looked at her oddly. Carol was
so shy that if she had detected even a hint of disapproval, she would
never have returned. She continued to attend, bottles and all, until
the birth of her second child eighteen months later. This time, nursing
went smoothly.
Several months after Carol
told me about her experience, I attended a meeting in which a mother
came with bottles. She sat apart from the Group. When I spoke to her,
she began to cry. She said that her baby was fussy and not getting enough
to eat. The baby cried through most of the meeting. When she asked to
use the kitchen to heat a bottle, I thought, "Just nurse her!"
Carol's words came back to me and I realized that this mother was barely
holding on. She needed help coping with a high-need baby, not how-to's
on breastfeeding. I spent some time talking with her about possible
causes of colic and sent her home armed with Dr. Sears' THE FUSSY BABY.
I was sure that breastfeeding would not work out for her.
When this mother attended
the next month's meeting, I did not recognize her at first. Her face
looked relaxed and happy and her baby was chubby and content, nursing
frequently during the meeting. There were no bottles in sight. I wish
I could say that we had worked a miracle, but we didn't. All we did
was make her feel welcome and offer suggestions. Clearly, the most important
thing we gave her was respect. The mother went on to purchase a membership
and nursed for about four months, which was her goal. She was very happy
with her breastfeeding experience.
While we may not agree with
a mother's decisions, we think we certainly would not be obvious about
our feelings. We forget how easy it is to look across the room at our
co-Leader and exchange what we think is a subtle glance. Sometimes it
isn't Leaders who make the mother feel uncomfortable, but other mothers
at the meeting. These mothers may not have the benefit of Human Relations
Enrichment (HRE) or the years reading LLL publications on communicating
acceptance. One mother may comment under her breath about another mother's
behavior. If a mother notices this, it can make her feel like an outsider.
Enrichment meetings are an ideal time to discuss respect. We want everyone
to feel welcome, regardless of her ideals. We can let our Group members
know that it's possible to state LLL philosophy clearly without imposing
guilt on anyone who doesn't agree.
I went to my first meeting
with the ideal that La Leche League was a bit odd. But I left thinking
that the women I found there were pretty normal after all. When a mother
leaves a meeting, she can walk away saying, "Those women are okay.
They seemed to really care about me and my baby," Or she can say,
"they just don't understand." Which way would you like to
be remembered?
Providing an accepting atmosphere
is important to building trust and rapport. Many Leaders have learned
that appropriate attending behavior, voice, tone, and word choice combine
to do these very things.
Attending behavior, the body
language that you, as a Leader exhibit, includes strong eye contact,
a relaxed posture, and inclination of the body toward the person to
whom you are speaking. Open gestures with the hands and arms, as well
as a soft, noninvasive touch also speak of warm understanding. And,
don't forget your smile!
Studies have shown that voice
tone is more important than the words that are spoken! If you don't
believe it, say something nice to your co-Leader and use a loud, angry
voice. Watch her face. The first message she receives is that of anger.
Using a warm, modulated tone will display understanding and build rapport
quickly.
Finally, word choice is significant
in building trust and understanding. Whether speaking on the phone or
at a meeting, focus on thc positives of breastfeeding. Always offer
information in a way that leaves the mother free to make a choice. These
phrases work well: "You might want to try....", "Have
you thought of....", "Would you like some information about....",
"What's worked for me is...." or the time honored, "Many
mothers have found...." Steer away from words like, "always,"
"never," "you should," "you must" and
"If I were you, I'd....'' Creating an atmosphere of acceptance
may require same practice on the part of both the Leader and Group members.
The most powerful teacher will be the La Leche League Leader in action,
as she models acceptance and respect.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:31:28 UTC 2007.
