The Challenge
of Third Party Inquiries
Ana Rita Guzman
Emerald Hills CA USA
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 38 No. 5, October-November 2002 p. 107.
Leaders are familiar with
the helping relationship that develops when a nursing mother initiates
contact with LLL. Occasionally, however, a Leader will receive a third
party inquiry, a call initiated by someone who is concerned about a
nursing mother.
Sometimes, the third party
is calling at the mother’s request. If the mother speaks limited
English, she may rely on a third party to translate. If the mother is
trying to soothe a crying infant, she may ask a relative to call LLL
for help. While direct communication with a nursing mother is desirable,
it is not always feasible, and a Leader may occasionally counsel a mother
through an intermediary.
Rarely, the third party is
the nursing mother herself, calling about a "friend" in an
embarrassing or illegal situation. "My friend contracted genital
herpes and needs medication. Must she wean?" "My friend smoked
a joint (marijuana) last night. When can she nurse her baby?" These
third party calls require tact and sensitivity. A caller who feels that
her "friend" is being judged is unlikely to provide accurate
contact information, may end the call abruptly, and is unlikely to reinitiate
contact when other breastfeeding issues arise.
Most commonly, a third party
caller is not the nursing mother and is not calling at her request.
Here are four typical scenarios:
- A visiting nurse asks
a Leader to initiate contact with a teen-aged mother with sore nipples.
- A concerned friend calls
because a new mother is following advice that may sabotage her attempts
to breastfeed.
- An acquaintance calls
because a member of her playgroup is getting a divorce, and the father
of the breastfed infant wants overnight visitation.
- A grandmother calls because
her nursing daughter-in-law is drinking diet soda.
Leaders should be aware of
the challenges inherent in these third party calls. First, if the caller
asks the Leader to contact the mother and the Leader complies, the Leader
may discover that her attentions are unwanted. The nursing mother may
not desire help and may resent the unsolicited intrusion into her private
life. Despite the third party’s concern, the mother may not even
perceive her situation as a problem.
Second, if the Leader decides
to discuss the mother’s situation with the third party, she cannot
be sure that the mother’s difficulties are being described accurately.
The third party may not have all of the facts or may be interpreting
the mother’s situation according to her personal biases.
Third, the Leader also has
no control over the information that reaches the mother. If the Leader
gives the caller information that seems pertinent to the situation described,
the third party may edit the data to reflect deeply held beliefs. In
the worst scenario, the third party may attempt to manipulate the nursing
mother by misrepresenting LLL. Imagine a third party caller telling
a new mother, "LLL says you must do the following..."
Finally, if the Leader takes
any of the preceding steps, she may not be addressing the caller’s
concerns. The stated problem may not reflect the caller’s true
feelings and worries, and the resolution sought may be unsatisfying
if gained.
Leaders may therefore want
to consider a different approach toward third party inquiries.
First, identify the caller’s feelings and concerns. Here are some
things a Leader might say to the third party callers described above.
To the visiting nurse, "You’re worried because your time with
this teenager is limited and you’re afraid that she’ll become
frustrated with her sore nipples and quit breastfeeding once you stop
visiting." To the concerned friend, "You’ve enjoyed breastfeeding
so much and you fear your friend will be deprived of an experience you’ve
found meaningful." To the playgroup member, "You’re concerned
about the legal vulnerability of your friend and her baby." To
the grandmother, "You’re worried that your grandchild will
not get the best possible start in life if your daughter-in-law’s
diet is less than ideal."
Second, gently but firmly
state our limits as Leaders. "I’ll be happy to give you general
information on this topic, but I’d prefer to discuss this mother’s
specific situation directly with her. Each mother knows her life best.
She may have information you lack, she may perceive the situation differently
than you do, and her goals may differ from yours." Tell the caller
that the experiences of other Leaders over our history have shown that
calling a third party is rarely helpful.
Third, educate and support
the caller. Provide general information on the topic in question, and
allow the caller to share his or her frustrations and fears.
Finally, give the third party
permission to share your phone number with the nursing mother. Sometimes,
the caller will state, "Oh, I’d prefer you to contact her.
If I give her your number, she’ll never call you!" At that
point, it may be helpful to tell the caller that "LLL is an international
nonprofit, non-sectarian organization dedicated to providing information,
support, encouragement, and education to women who want to breastfeed."
Tell the caller that one way LLL ensures that its Leaders’ services
are needed is to have nursing mothers voluntarily initiate contact.
Even when a Leader suspects that a nursing mother will benefit from
talking to a Leader, the decision whether to initiate contact rests
with that mother.
By following these guidelines,
Leaders can educate and support third party callers while following
the LLLI mission statement and allowing each mother to decide what is
best for her and her family.
Ana Rita Guzman has been
a Leader since March of 1994. She is also a registered nurse and lawyer,
and currently holds a full-time position as a homeschooling mother and
family chauffeur. Rita and her husband, Jon Mirsalis, are the proud
parents of Dana, 11; and Daniel, 8. They are expecting their third child
in October of 2002. Send ideas for "Keeping Up-to-Date" to
Contributing Editor Norma Ritter at: 58 Antler Road, Big Flats, New
York, 14814 USA or norma at stny.rr.com (email).
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:31:13 UTC 2007.
