Book Review
Loving Without Spoiling
by Nancy Samalin
McGraw-Hill, 2003
Hardcover, 256 pages
Reviewed by Christine McNeil Montano
Easton CT USA
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 39 No. 5, October-November 2003, p. 114.
Nancy Samalin's
latest book is a fast, easy read about how to discipline children aged
one through the teenage years. Samalin gives many examples of common
behavior problems that cause family stress, followed by both the positive
and negative ways parents could choose to react. Through a series of
"Tips," Samalin discusses communication methods, setting limits,
and establishing family expectations and rules.
Samalin divides
parenting styles into three categories, using these three terms: 1)
"permissive" (not recommended); 2) "too strict"
(not recommended) and 3) "simply authoritarian," which she
recommends. Don't let Samalin's use of the term "authoritarian"
discourage you from reading this book. Her use of the phrase fits into
LLL's concept of "loving guidance."
By "permissive
parenting" Samalin refers to parents who hesitate to set limits
or those who waffle on their rules and how these choices can be problematic
for the entire family. The parent's role is to guide and teach their
children. Setting limits, making reasonable family rules, and being
consistent are necessary components of successful parenting, according
to Samalin.
The overly strict
parent takes control and expects unquestioning obedience. Being too
authoritarian means exacting obedience from children at all costs. Children
don't always require an explanation, nor do they have to like your rule.
But when you say, "The answer is no because I said it is so,"
it's the same as saying, "How dare you question my authority? Who
do you think you are?" That's a familiar script many of us adults
remember unpleasantly from our own childhoods. Overly strict child rearing
breeds defiance and sneakiness.
Samalin provides
examples of what she feels is "too strict" and "simply
authoritarian" parenting. A preschooler cries for candy at the
supermarket. The "too strict" parent says, "I told you
no and I mean no! If you ask me again there will be no candy for a month!"
The "simply authoritarian" parent says,"That candy looks
good, but candy isn't on our list today."
Because how
we choose to act as parents is largely determined by our own attitude
and emotions, Samalin acknowledges that it is normal to feel some negative
emotions toward our children. She recommends we become aware of our
emotions and acknowledge their presence, but not to let our emotions
rule our behavior. She suggests calming ourselves down first, saying
nothing that is negative, and avoiding using a demeaning tone of voice.
Samalin especially urges parents not to lash out by inflicting physical
pain onto their children and explicitly condemns spanking in Tip 49.
Tip 82 is a
wonderful section about raising emotionally healthy children. In this
section, Samalin has many references in which she implores parents to
act with loving guidance. She specifically recommends tailoring parenting
style to the child's temperament and personality, and appreciating a
child's uniqueness. It is important to note she does not recommend one
way to parent and then expect everyone who reads her advice to do it
without regard for their family's unique situation. Samalin underscores
that she wants the parent to live in harmony with the child and to tailor
their family dynamics to meet the needs of each child (and parent).
She never once
mentions the use of the ever-popular "time-outs" so, sadly,
we miss her opinion on this entirely. Samalin recommends using consequences-warning
of their impending use and if the offense occurs, to follow through
on it and administer an appropriate consequence such as loss of playing
with a certain toy.
Samalin endorses
prevention of parental burnout as essential to good parenting. Unfortunately,
she gives only one remedy: separation of mother and toddler or child.
I was disappointed that other options are not discussed. LLL suggests
that the parents consider the developmental stage of the child and the
child's unique personality and temperament before separations, especially
for weekends or longer vacations.
To cram parenting
advice for the broad range of ages one through the teenage years is
a daunting, if not impossible, task. In this book, information about
parenting children under the age of five is a bit lacking. The book
does not address many of the most common issues dealt with in the first
year.
It should be
noted that many of the ideas in LLL philosophy are not mentioned. For
example, the author never concentrates on the importance of fathers.
It is a parenting book for either gender and the book is neutral as
to any difference between the mother-child relationship and the father-child
relationship.
Samalin's recommendations
are loaded with common sense, yet she is not afraid to tackle difficult
or taboo subjects such as how parents can better handle their emotions
of favoring one child over another child or how to handle actual feelings
of dislike toward one's own child. The book is unique in the number
of examples as well as the clarity in communicating ideas and the reasons
behind using them.
Christine
McNeil Montano lives with her husband, Tony, and sons Jay (5) and John
(3). Christine is presently a member of LLLI's Book Evaluation Committee,
and has been a Leader in Connecticut, USA for four years.
Last updated Thursday, August 31, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:31:13 UTC 2007.
