Reaching
the Burned-Out Mother
Anne Boyd
Homewood, Alabama, USA
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 33 No. 5, October-November 1997, pp. 105-106
The other day, I received
a telephone call from a dedicated mother who had been attending Group
meetings for months. The frustration of this bleary-eyed, sleep-deprived
mother of an almost-toddler sent me reeling.
"I have followed every
book in the Group Library to the letter and look what I've got. Even
though he's slept in my bed since birth, my baby has always wakened
every hour and a half to nurse; he just refuses to go to sleep or stay
asleep without my nipple in his mouth. Whether it's nighttime or naps,
he won't sleep more than two hours at the most.
"The fact that my nipples
are sore again is the least of my concerns. My arms, hips and back hurt
from all this nighttime nursing. I feel like a zombie in the daytime.
My baby must be held whenever he's awake; he cries the instant he's
put down.
"My relatives and friends
all say that they had babies who slept and didn't cry and that I must
be doing something wrong. I'm beginning to think that myself."
I sensed the intense hurt
and self-doubt in the voice of this mother. I knew that nurturing her
son was the most important thing in the world to her, yet she thought
LLL and nursing hadn't delivered what they promised: a secure, harmonious
relationship with her child.
Her words reflected the pain
she felt: "I've failed as a parent."
A high-need baby, a baby
whose attachment needs have changed during development or a baby with
a unique temperament can truly keep a mother on her toes. As if to add
insult to injury, parents are bombarded with baby advice contrary to
LLL recommendations. With names such as "Sleep Training" and
“Parent-Controlled Feeding," these ideas are touted as surefire
ways to solve sleep problems, gain control of the child and establish
parental authority.
Practically guaranteeing
easy babies, their approach is slick: fussy babies are made, not born.
Babies can and should sleep through the night, in their own beds, early
on. Dad must feed the baby in order to bond. Children who are not allowed
to cry become "spoiled." Early independence is beneficial.
Babies should blend in with the lifestyle of the parents; babies should
not complicate your life. In a complex world, quick and easy solutions
hold wide appeal.
On the other hand, parents
who practice a nurturing style of parenting may find that it is not
an easy path. From meeting nighttime needs to loving guidance, the short-term
rewards may at times seem few and far between.
Rationalizing that it is
normal for babies to be wakeful or that carried babies cry less often
means little to the mother who is all but unable to function or whose
marriage is suffering because of frustration or sleep deprivation. Parenting
platitudes mean little to the mother who can barely take a shower, let
alone cook dinner, because her seven- month-old cries the moment he
is put down.
Certainly, parenting requires
that a great deal of time be invested in the early years. It takes an
enormous amount of energy to nurse and rock for 45 minutes to get baby
to sleep, only to have a three-year- old wake up and need mother, too.
It takes great patience to demonstrate to a toddler "why we don't
hit" and show alternatives.
There must be some reason
why we do this. I think that many of us nurture our babies and children
the way we do because we value them as human beings. We see beyond the
short-term to the long-term rewards of security, independence and self-esteem
in our children.
I wish I had an answer for
all the dedicated, but frustrated, mothers who have ever wondered, "Why
am I doing this?” I wish I knew of an easy solution for that sleep-deprived
mother or the mother who wonders why her carefully mothered toddler
hits, bites or throws tantrums.
I believe our role as Leaders
is to acknowledge these mothers' feelings and help them discover options
that fit the needs of their families. Recognize that there are many
ways to incorporate LLL philosophy into their choices. For example,
there are ways to meet the baby's nighttime needs without co-sleeping.
In the short term, these
suggestions may be helpful in meeting the immediate needs of a burned-out
mother:
- A burned- out mother often
just seeks someone who understands. Reassure her that, indeed, her
needs and feelings are important. Her frustration is real. Empathizing
with her feelings, without minimizing her frustrations, will go a
long way toward helping her work out a solution.
- A burned-out nursing mother
still has a deep commitment to nurturing her children. Recognize her
love and devotion to her child.
- Understand that the father's
attitude can range from supportive (entertaining a just-nursed baby
while the mother sleeps) to lukewarm (grudgingly helping the mother
when he has the time), or even unsupportive (moving into his own bedroom
for the duration of the baby's childhood, even blaming the mother).
Many mothers who experience burnout relate that their partners are
not very supportive, a situation which compounds frustration.
- Ask the mother about her
support system. Does she have family and friends who support her and
help her? We now are aware that mothering is a social activity. Mothers
who feel "cooped up" in the house all day often experience
extreme frustration.
- Suggest new ways to cope
with stress. Is the mother eating well? Is there a mother-baby exercise
class nearby? A playgroup might also be an option. Does the mother
regularly attend LLL meetings? Is there another mother in the Group
who has experienced or is experiencing the same situation? Making
time for a "date" with her partner after the children are
asleep can help.
- Help the mother form realistic
expectations. Some mothers blame breastfeeding for their difficulties.
While it does take a lot of energy to nurture a child, time and time
again we have heard of babies who were weaned only to continue having
the problem their parents hoped weaning would solve. Some babies are
just wakeful; some children require more intense supervision.
- Encourage the mother to
set priorities. Many mothers have found that a spotless house moves
down the list as a priority for a short time. Napping when the baby
naps may be a good idea for a while.
- Reassure the mother that
it is okay to set limits. If her nipples are sore from her toddler
’s marathon nursing, maybe, after meeting his nursing needs,
there are other ways to meet his nighttime needs.
- Encourage the mother to
recognize what she can change and what she cannot. The mother cited
at the beginning of this article believed that although she was exhausted
and sore, the family bed was still the best option for her. Her challenge
was to determine how to minimize her sore nipples, sleeplessness and
frustration.
- Discuss with the mother
the possibility that a high-need baby may be suffering from a physical
problem and may need to be evaluated by a health care provider. After
a year of misdiagnosis, this particular baby was discovered to have
gastroesophageal reflux, a condition that caused the baby to awake
many times nightly.
Ultimately there are no easy
answers. Working with a burned-out mother requires patience, understanding
and creativity, traits that LLL Leaders share in abundance.
For Further Reading
THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING,
Schaumburg, Illinois: LLLI, 1997.
Liedloff, J. The Continuum
Concept. New York: Addison-Wesley, 1985.
Raygo, J. and Kufeldt, P.
Supporting the mother with an unfamiliar problem: offering support and
acceptance. LEAVEN Mar/Apr 1995; 30.
Sears, W. THE FUSSY BABY.
Schaumburg, Illinois: LLLI, 1989.
Sears, W. The Baby Book.
Boston, Little Brown, 1993.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:32:26 UTC 2007.
