Unresolved
Conflict
Linda M. Clement
Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 35 No. 5, October-November 1999, p. 116
A difficult situation occurred
at our last Series Meeting. The children were left unsupervised in the
next room. One small boy, out of control, was playing dangerously; another
child had her arm broken. This is every Leader's nightmare situation.
Some of the emotions that
may be displayed following this scenario are: guilt, shame, rage,
frustration, sadness, anxiety, hostility, fear, vulnerability, humiliation,
failure, hopelessness, powerlessness, and depression. Also during
this time, the following may be seen: labeling, excluding, denial,
intolerance, avoidance, gossiping, uncooperativeness, taking sides,
seeking corroboration, running away, refusal to discuss or deal with
it, sweeping it under the carpet.
Probably the most damaging
to everyone is when sides are drawn. "We are no longer letting
her know where the meetings are." "If she is
there, we are all going to walk out," etc. If this group determines
not to deal with the problem, there will be bad feelings kept alive
for years, possibly resulting in blaming LLL.
Another problem occurs when
an ultimatum is issued. An ultimatum is a power tool, with much potential
for damage. There is only one way an ultimatum will ever really work:
when the declarer has all the power. This is very rarely the case in
any aspect of life and especially in voluntary relationships, like friendships
and LLL. If one mother says, "it shall be thus, or I shall leave,"
she runs the very real risk of witnessing a group sigh of relief and
an invitation to find the door. This is not a pleasant experience, to
say the least!
Another problem with an ultimatum
is what it does to relationships. Declaring that you have no intention
of cooperating toward a mutually acceptable resolution suggests three
things: this relationship is not valuable to you, you believe you are
in control of these people, and you would rather be right than happy.
So, some innocent young boy,
much in need of supervision, has gone overboard and actually seriously
injured another child. Overreacting to this could certainly make this
little boy believe he is malicious, even if that never was his intent
at the time; adults are able to rewrite history for children's memories.
Also unhelpful is typecasting
this child and his family as "those people" who "do things
like that." All people behave inappropriately from time to time,
often inadvertently. Pointing out the inappropriateness of the action
is all that is needed. And supervising children is always a good idea
- if no one is there to say "that is not okay," how would
he ever find out in time to avoid the injury? All of this can be applied
equally to biters, to children who figure out that being naked creates
a reaction, and any other kind of dangerous or inappropriate play.
The stress of unresolved
conflicts and unhealed wounds in a Group destroys our enthusiasm, our
cooperation, and our compassion. This kind of stress kills applicancy
rates, membership renewal rates. Group attendance, and sometimes entire
Groups. The fallout from this kind of stress affects the energy and
enthusiasm of local, District, and even Area Leaders.
How can a situation like
this be handled? Look into taking the Human Relations Enrichment module
on Conflict Resolution. The methods are straightforward and concrete,
as well as being very effective. Here is the basic model, with some
possible words for this situation:
| The Problem
(without values or emotions) |
I feel |
The Concrete
Results (to me, to the Group/LLL) |
| When children
are left unsupervised |
I fear |
this could
happen again. |
| When I see
this animosity between members |
I fear |
LLL's image
and credibility suffers. |
| When a child
is labeled |
I get angry |
because it
contradicts LLL's atmosphere of acceptance. |
|
If the others won't deal
with it, then what do you do? It is convenient having a communication
technique, but what if you can't get through? How do you encourage these
women to communicate? Without ever suggesting that you are a carrier
for messages between the encampments, speak to each mother: Leaders,
helpers, and Group members in turn. Determine a date and time when all
interested women can get together without too much difficulty - use
the Evaluation Meeting if you can (it is certainly what those meetings
are for). Let each woman know what you intend to do: clear this up.
Let each woman know why it needs to be cleared up (the Conflict Resolution
model is useful here), and that it will be cleared up permanently.
Assure each that you believe it can be sorted out to everyone's satisfaction
and that no one will be asked to compromise.
This is possible,
and only one thing is needed: the commitment of each person to overcome
this problem. It begins with the definition of the problem. As it stands,
the problem is not "What happened then?" That is history and
reality. Problems, by definition, have solutions and neither history
nor reality can be solved. The problem is what is happening to the Group
now.
Expect defensiveness. Expect
justifications. Expect hostility. Expect resolution. These are La Leche
League women: intelligent, compassionate, caring. We can expect the
best from them. I should mention that one of the other things you might
expect is outright refusal. No mediation is ever guaranteed to work
100% and some people do prefer to be right instead of happy.
However, keep it positive.
Keep in mind what the goal is. Keep the focus on the reality of La Leche
League's image, the attitude of respect and acceptance, and the need
to avoid a recurrence.
Consider reading People
Skills before the meeting. Peruse your local library or bookstore
for some of the win/win negotiation books. Consider bringing an HRE
instructor or your DA/DC to the meeting if you fear you will be unable
to remain objective.
Above all, do something.
Entire communities have been rent asunder by problems like this. Do
not stand by, a horrified onlooker, when you may be the only person
thinking clearly enough and dispassionately enough to do anything to
put this right.
La Leche League works to
maintain a high level of acceptance. We each know our own families best,
and no one can effectively make our decisions for us. With our families
first, we need to ensure the safety and well-being of our children
before, not after, we support mothers. We need to take care of ourselves
to do any of it.
Taking care of ourselves
includes building and maintaining relationships with others, and doing
what we need to do to resolve problems as they arise. Not ignore them,
not run from them, and not suffer needlessly from them. Resolve them.
Dissipate their energy. One problem like this can take years to dissipate
on its own - or one afternoon, with attention.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:32:18 UTC 2007.
