Sharing LLL
Philosophy at Series Meetings
Maggie Heeger
Huntsville, Alabama, USA
From: LEAVEN 1995
La Leche League Leaders believe
strongly in LLL's philosophy of breastfeeding and parenting. Leaders
have incorporated it into their daily life, and it's reflected in the
parenting choices they make. They understand that LLL meeting content
should reflect these views, and strive to make this information available
to anyone who expresses an interest. Leaders also understand and accept
that not everybody agrees with La Leche League's philosophy. There will
be mothers at our meetings who have made choices that are quite conflicting
with what League advocates.
That's OK. Leaders don't
make requirements of anyone for their attendance at Series Meetings.
Respect of the many options in parenting is one of the cornerstones
of what La Leche League strives to present.
While Leaders respect those
choices, it's important also to remember that LLL is an organization
with a distinct purpose. Leaders believe that babies do best under specific
conditions, and they present this information at meetings with a gentle
but clear message.
Yes, it's true that there
may be disagreement among the mothers at our meetings. To prepare for
that, many Leaders begin their meetings with a disclaimer. It goes something
like this: "What you hear today may be surprising and unusual.
You may hear things that you've never heard before. La Leche League
has a special philosophy of parenting that we encourage you to consider.
We don't require that you adopt any of the options mentioned here in
order to attend our meetings. We do ask that you accord all mothers
respect as they discuss the choices that have worked for their families."
This disclaimer sets the stage for respect and tolerance of views that
may be in conflict with any given mother's choices. From there, they
hope to present LLL options for mothers to weigh.
Discussing
the Mother-Baby Relationship at Meetings
"In the early years,
a baby has an intense need to be with his mother that is as basic as
his need for food." La Leche League Leaders endorse this statement,
and parent with this philosophy as a guiding principle in their lives.
They don't leave young babies with substitute caregivers on a regular
basis. Leaders know that La Leche League doesn't say that mothers and
babies should never be separated; they understand that the best separations
are ones where everyone feels good about it. This is a natural separation,
as opposed to a forced one. It's such a joy to meet a mother who feels
similarly; often she feels that same joy upon discovering that League
supports this choice. What about mothers who don't incorporate this
idea into their lives? Surely no one wants to offend them by saying
that the decision to be regularly separated from their babies is a bad
one. Instead, Leaders hope to share, by example and by discussion, ideas
that may have never been considered by some women. The mothers may not
choose to change their views on separation. The Leaders, however, can
feel satisfied that mothers have had an opportunity to hear this perhaps
radical viewpoint. Mothers can see from the women in the meeting room
that it's a viable option.
Consider this true story.
A mother at a Series Meeting shared that she worked part-time and found
it to be an ideal situation. She was able to leave her milk in a bottle,
and her husband cared for the baby in her absence. It seemed perfect,
and the mother gave every indication of being completely satisfied with
this arrangement. The Group Leaders congratulated her on finding a wonderful
way to continue providing breastmilk to her baby. They were so supportive
of this mother, yet they never dared to mention other possibilities
to her, for fear of alienating or offending her. Years later, after
successive babies and experiences that allowed the mother to avoid this
ongoing separation, this mother went on to become a Leader. Looking
back on it, she expresses disappointment in those first Leaders she
met. "If only they'd let me know that there were other options,"
she laments. "I was trying to present this happy face as a mom
who was successfully combining breastfeeding and employment. In truth,
I hated it. I hated the rushing, the stress, the terrible aching I felt
at leaving my baby. But I had the "ideal" situation. My husband
watched the baby and fed bottles of my milk. I felt I didn't have any
right to complain." The Leader goes on to say that it would have
taken only the slightest nudge for her to reconsider the choices she'd
made. "If only my Leaders would have pointed out how much a baby
needs his mother's constant presence in those early months. If I'd been
shown examples of how other mothers have made sacrifices in order to
meet those needs, I'd have quit my job in a heartbeat." By encouraging
other mothers to share experiences, and by advocating the baby's needs,
a Leader can encourage mothers to standup for feelings they may be trying
to hide deep inside. A little support, encouragement and confidence-boosting
can go a long way!
But what about the mother
who is quite adamant and defensive to any suggestions? Leaders need
to respect that. They can offer insights such as "while experts
may agree that babies do best when they experience only minimal separations
from Mother, this option isn't always open to everyone. We then make
the best decisions we can, given our particular circumstance."
Talking
About Loving Guidance
La Leche League's philosophy
statement on discipline-related issues reads, "From infancy on,
children need loving guidance which reflects acceptance of their capabilities
and sensitivity to their feelings." The wording of this statement
leaves great latitude for personal interpretation, which was the intent
of the Board of Directors. La Leche League Leaders aren't here to teach
parents how to discipline their children. They're not here to defend
numerous charges that one method works better than another. Leaders
shouldn't expect to solve every mother's discipline crisis. A Leaders
role is to encourage mothers to increase their pool of acceptable discipline
choices, and to consider the idea that discipline is a form of teaching
rather than punishment.
When Leaders take the approach
that spanking is inadvisable, they risk insulting women who feel otherwise.
This may be in direct conflict with a mother's personal beliefs, and
making such a strong statement lacks respect for others. Instead, a
discussion could center around a large, blank piece of poster board.
Give a hypothetical situation, and ask for as many ideas as possible
that could address the predicament, yet offer sensitivity, respect and
love to the child. Encourage mothers to brainstorm and consider ideas
that they've never actually attempted. Make it fun and creative! Write
down every idea that is suggested-even if that includes spanking and
other harsh methods. Leaders can then comment that employing creativity
and sensitivity increases the number viable options. Each parent uses
her own set of principles to determine which choice they'll try. At
this point, it could be helpful to read the philosophy statement on
Loving Guidance. Leaders need not feel defensive or apologetic, and
can add that "La Leche League encourages parents to make choices
that help babies and children learn acceptable behaviors without pain
or humiliation. Look at the list we have here on this poster: some of
these options fall into those guidelines, while others don't. It's up
to you to decide which one sounds acceptable for your family."
Leaders can also remind mothers that from time to time they need to
re-evaluate those principles and perhaps consider new options. By discussing
loving guidance in a general approach, Leaders allow mothers the dignity
of not having to argue their positions in front of the Group. They may
not agree with all of the choices listed on the poster. Perhaps months
from now, a mother may recall one of those ideas, try it, and find that
it really works.
Exploring
Healthy Nutrition at Meetings
The most vivid example of
La Leche League's viewpoint on foods is evident at the refreshment table.
When calling mothers to solicit refreshments, Leaders or their representatives
can offer suggestions that are healthy, such as apple juice or water,
whole grain muffins or crackers, and fruit. This example will speak
volumes to newer mothers, without Leaders ever uttering a single word
about "what La Leche League believes". LLL's philosophy statement
says that "Good nutrition means eating a well balanced and varied
diet of foods in as close to their natural state as possible."
Just as in other statements, the wording purposely offers a wide range
of possible interpretations. As representatives of an international
organization, Leaders must take care to present information and viewpoints
that reflect League's "middle of the road" approach. If their
own personal dietary choices extend far beyond the requirements of leadership,
Leaders must remember to present material as shown in THE LEADER'S HANDBOOK
and THE WOMANLY ART OF
BREASTFEEDING. While vegetarian, fat-free, and sugar-free approaches
are certainly compatible with LLL's statement, they aren't the only
way to interpret it. Leaders need to open this statement up to its true
intent, and not focus exclusively on their personal convictions. Meat
is a healthy food, and trips to fast food restaurants don't automatically
resign a mother to being labeled a nutritionally deprived individual.
If a mother should bring
a food to share at refreshment time that is less than wholesome, Leaders
shouldn't lecture her on the inappropriateness of her contribution.
Put it on the table, and let the overall example speak for itself. Hopefully
there will be plenty of healthy snacks to counteract the box of glazed
doughnuts that she may have brought. If this situation continues to
pop up month after month, a Leader could bring the topic of meeting
refreshments into her introductory remarks at Series Meetings. She can
stress that we offer healthy choices to moms and children as an example
of the philosophy La Leche League promotes, and she can then read the
philosophy statement verbatim.
Meeting discussions should
take a positive approach. Instead of preaching of all the unhealthy
foods one should avoid, Leaders can ask mothers to share tips on improving
overall nutrition. Moms can share the biggest accomplishment they've
made recently, or suggest challenging areas for group brainstorming.
We need to stress in that brainstorming, however, that many choices
are suitable, and that each parent has the right to consider what works
best for their own family situation.
Birth Options
Are Many
When discussing childbirth
options, Leaders are wise to proceed with sensitivity to the fact that
many mothers have had disappointing circumstances. Asking each mother
to share the method of birth she most recently had would be inconsiderate
to the personal nature of the subject. A different approach might be
to read La Leche League's statement, "Alert, active participation
by the mother in childbirth is a help in getting breastfeeding off to
a good start." From there, Leaders can invite mothers to share
how they see this philosophy impacting on breastfeeding. We can then
go on to illustrate that this statement does not require alert births
in order to achieve breastfeeding success. Many mothers experience highly
interventive births yet succeed at nursing their babies. We stress instead,
that positive birth situations enhance breastfeeding, so if plans are
being made, this could be a way of helping to ensure breastfeeding success.
Consider constructing a poster of "a perfect birth," listing
many ways to achieve birthing Nirvana. After the list is complete, point
out that it would be nearly impossible to achieve all of the suggestions
in most circumstances. Encourage mothers to consider this a smorgasbord
of options, and that they're free to select or reject any number of
choices. State emphatically that we all make the choices that we're
most comfortable with, and that these are merely suggestions to take
into consideration. Be sure to make it clear that if a mother has not
been able to experience many positive aspects in her birth, she can
still view her child's birth as a wonderous event. Assure her that her
breastfeeding efforts can succeed.
Thoughts about Weaning
Leaders often view weaning
as a very different concept than much of the world's population. Leaders
view weaning as a slow, gradual process, not an event that happens on
a particular day. Weanings at their best occur in a manner that allows
a pleasant and graceful transition for everyone concerned. In the past,
"ideal" weaning situations were called "baby led weanings."
This has caused some misunderstandings. Some have interpreted this to
be "baby mandated," with the mother's feelings being unimportant,
and picture a demanding toddler calling all the shots. To make our intent
more clear, the phrase "natural weaning" is now being used,
because it more accurately describes what takes place. It's a gentle
give-and-take between mother and baby, with mother recognizing signs
of readiness, and respecting indications of unreadiness.
When discussing weaning at
LLL Series Meetings, Leaders can encourage mothers to discuss their
thoughts about weaning: what it means, how to achieve it, and the feelings
involved for both mother and baby. Ask mothers who have already experienced
natural weaning to share their thoughts. Share the philosophy statement:
"Ideally the breastfeeding relationship will continue until the
baby outgrows the need," and ask for interpretations. These interpretations
may vary widely, which is fine. This gives women plenty to consider,
and enables them to formulate their own philosophy. We're not here to
force our opinions on others, but to provide an opportunity for our
philosophy to be heard. Mothers then make their own decisions.
When women hear ideas that
are new, they sometimes need time to mull it over in their thoughts.
This process may take years before it gels completely and feels right;
then again, there's always the possibility that after considering our
message, a mother will discard it. It's frustrating, but Leaders do
need to be able to respect that choice. How does a Leader know when
it's right to present La Leche League philosophical ideas? Using sensitivity,
gently introduce ideas in a general discussion format, rather than confronting
one specific mother about her parenting choices. Ask mothers at meetings
to share what experiences have helped them decide how to make these
important decisions. One of our common phrases sums it up beautifully:
"All parents have the right and the responsibility to determine
which choices suit their parenting philosophy. We're here to offer some
insights that you may have never heard before."
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:31:15 UTC 2007.
